Out October: “Truth Is, I Was Contemplating Suicide.”
Today’s Out October Project story comes from Phil Reese, writer and contributor for The Bilerico Project and writer for Ameriqueer, who explains that sometimes it isn’t an actual physical bully pushing you over the edge. Sometimes it is you and your own thoughts that torture and torment.
Missed our other coming out stories? Catch up here!
I was never, exactly, an angst-ridden teen growing up. It might be more dramatic to claim I was some brooding introvert before I made good with myself and turned into this sloshing bucket of sunshine that ‘stands’ before you today. However, truth-be-told, I’ve always been the picture next to “Happy-Go-Lucky” in Webster’s New American. Nature over nurture.
When I was growing up someone was really awful, mean and cruel to me, used to torture me, fill me with a sense of doom and shame. It wasn’t mom. Mom could be shrill sometimes, and we fought almost constantly, but it was only because she wanted the best for me, and she could be abrasive and tactless, so when the two clashed with my short Mediterranean temper that I inherited from her (that seemed to ONLY be set off with her, for some reason), it was like throwing an ice cube in a deep-fryer. Things bubbled over quick, and it got very loud.
It wasn’t dad. Dad’s where I got happy-go-lucky from. I always just sort of imagined the inside of my dad’s head must have been a lot like The Yellow Submarine 24/7; only interrupted by my mom and I bickering.
Not my little sister. She worshiped me (still sorta does).
The jerk who secretly made my life a living hell was me. I was a popular kid–Student Government, Homecoming Court, football, baseball (not to mention fencing)–I had a great family, and I had few conflicts with people. However, for a lot of LGBT kids, the bully may not be external. I was one of those.
When I was only in Junior High, I saw a 20/20 special about a doctor in New York who claimed to be able to change queer people to being straight. They showed this guy with a wife and kids who claimed he’d be full-on gaygaygay just a few years before. I wanted that. When my parents were at work one day, I called information and got the Doctor’s phone number. I called his office, hoping he could tell me what I could do, but when his receptionist answered, I freaked out and hung up. I saved his number and planned to try again someday. I’m glad I didn’t.
October of my Junior year, my guidance counselor called my parents to tell them I was on suicide watch. Happy-go-lucky Phil–Sunshine, as some teachers called me–had been writing some really dark stuff, and some friends found it in his locker, and promptly took it to the office out of fear.
Truth is, I was contemplating suicide. I’d been thinking about it for years, and no one knew. I came out my Sophomore year of High School in Catholic School to the biggest “So What” in history. Though my friends had all accepted me, I still hadn’t.
See, I was out, but I didn’t really know any other out gay people. When I’d come out, the only friends that did reject me were those ones who had been in the closet with me. When I threw open those closet doors, they feared being implicated by association. I got shunned. So though everyone loved me, I felt sort of like an island, much like Kurt on Glee. Being the ‘Token,’ is sort of a burden iself.
That year, though, I began staying after school and just chatting with the only openly gay teacher in our school, Mr. Z. Mr. Z told me about coming out and leaving his monestary, being viciously attacked when hired on as Religion teacher at Father Gabriel Richard High School, and staying above the fray and being true to yourself. He helped me reconcile my Catholic upbringing with my realization that despite years and years of frantic tearful prayer, I wasn’t going to be able to change myself. I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
That summer, I met my next gay mentor–my gay ‘big brother,’ Christopher. Christopher gave me my first literature on being a gay youth–the original 1 in 10 Teenagers, and some other books about famous gays in history, how to have safe sex, what to do when your family finds out, and where to go to find more people like you.
I also found the internet that year. AOL chat became a huge escape and relief for me. I was even able to do research on the gay-friendliness of my potential colleges, and the existence of any LGBT programming there.
I choose to go to college at Central Michigan University. I got a job in the hall I lived in, I joined the community council, I wrote for the newspaper, and I got involved in the LGBT community. By October I had a huge group of accepting and affirming friends–straight and gay–that helped me dismantle those demons, one by one. By the time I left, I’d made a name for myself nationally for my local LGBT leadership, had become a well-known leader of the local LGBT community, and helped guide hundreds of LGBT youngsters to a stronger, healthier sense of self.
Now, October means a lot to me. It’s not just a celebration of LGBT history, its a celebration of my own history, and coming out of the pain and suffering of self-inflicted violence and hatred to an awesome place of love and affirmation. Use this October to start building your October love this year. Embrace all those awesome things about yourself, all your awesome talents and qualities, and fall in love with yourself and your journey.
Remember, there are always options.
The Trevor Project: a 24-hour hotline for gay and questioning youth: 866-4-U-TREVOR (488-7386)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-TALK (8255)
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For almost a year Donald Trump inexplicably has been injecting the fictional character Hannibal Lecter into his re-election rallies. Now, far-right conspiracy theorist Laura Loomer, who has promoted white nationalism and appears to be influencing the ex-president, has introduced the serial killing cannibal into the latest, dangerous Trump controversy.
“In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs,” Trump falsely claimed during Tuesday’s debate with Vice President Kamala Harris, referring to Haitian immigrants. “The people that came in. They’re eating the cats. They’re eating — they’re eating the pets of the people that live there. And this is what’s happening in our country. And it’s a shame.”
Despite multiple fact checks proving Trump (and his running mate, U.S. Senator JD Vance, who has also promoted those pet-eating lies) wrong, the Republican presidential nominee doubled down – even after the debate moderator, ABC News’ David Muir, live on-air debunked his claims.
The City of Springfield, Ohio was forced to evacuate its city hall and an elementary school Thursday morning after a multiple-location bomb threat was received, but that did not stop Trump from promoting his false claims on his Truth Social social media platform hours later.
READ MORE: Trump Faces Increasing Calls to Participate in Second Debate
“Bernie Moreno has a very good chance of winning Ohio against a Radical Left Democrat, Sherrod Brown, with what is happening in Springfield, and other parts of the State,” Trump declared Thursday afternoon, referring to the far-right extremist Republican running to unseat Democratic U.S. Senator Sherrod Brown, who is leading in the polls by low single digits.
Trump then invoked his racist Haitian immigrant rhetoric.
“Ohio is being inundated with Illegal Migrants, mostly from Haiti, who are taking over Towns and Villages at a level and rate never seen before.”
That too is false.
Legal immigrants from Haiti have come to Springfield, and have been a boon to the city’s businesses. Some city officials have complained that the number of immigrants ramped up too quickly, as the local government struggles to provide services due to the increase in population.
On Truth Social, Trump is also posting memes of cats, including one with them holding a sign that says, “Don’t let them eat us, vote for Trump.”
While Laura Loomer denies she is advising Trump, and she has been traveling with him this week, including to the presidential debate on Tuesday and to 9/11 ceremonies on Wednesday despite being a 9/11 truther. Some suggest she appears to have replaced U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) as a Trump favorite. Loomer, according to NPR, has described herself as a “proud Islamophobe” and “pro-white nationalism.”
Semafor reports, “After a debate in which Trump shouted about false viral rumors of pet-eating Haitians in an Ohio town, her potential influence is drawing more scrutiny from both parties.”
Now she too is going all-in on the racist and false pet-eating Haitian claims.
“Haitian immigrants aren’t just eating cats and dogs. They eat HUMANS,” Loomer baselessly claimed Thursday. “Remember their leader? Known as ‘Barbeque’? Only Hannibal Lecter himself would want to bring more of them to the United States!”
“Don’t let the media say that concerns about illegal immigration are ‘conspiracy theories’. These aren’t rumors. It’s a FACT. When you import the third world, you become the third world, and we won’t allow it here in America. Donald Trump will stop our country from further becoming a third world nation. The media is obsessing over the Haitian migrants because even the most liberal voters are horrified over the animal abuse committed by so many of Kamala’s invaders.”
Just days earlier, Trump claimed in a rally that “Dr. Hannibal Lecter” is “a representative of the people who are coming into our country.”
Watch below or at this link.
Trump: When I say Doctor Hannibal Lecter, the press says, oh, why did he mention that? They say, he rambled and started talking about Hannibal Lecter. That’s a representative of people that are coming into our country. Doctor Hannibal Lecter pic.twitter.com/4KsrEdnu2t
— Acyn (@Acyn) September 7, 2024
READ MORE: Liz Cheney Predicts Many Republicans Will Secretly Vote For Kamala Harris
Just days after the Republican nominees for president and vice president promoted and doubled-down on false, debunked and racist claims about immigrants in Springfield, Ohio stealing pet cats and dogs and eating them, that town’s city hall and elementary school were forced to evacuate after a bomb threat targeting multiple locations was received Thursday.
“Due to a bomb threat that was issued to multiple facilities throughout Springfield today, City Hall is closed today,” the City of Springfield wrote in a Facebook post, saying it had “received a bomb threat that has prompted an immediate response from local and regional law enforcement. As a precautionary measure, the building has been evacuated, and authorities are currently conducting a thorough investigation. Our primary concern is the safety and well-being of our employees and residents. We are working to address this situation as swiftly as possible.”
The statement adds the bomb threat came via an email at 8:24 AM that was “sent to multiple agencies and media outlets.”
Just one day ago, City Manager Bryan Heck in a video denounced the rhetoric used in the presidential race, while promoting the city’s growth, which has been improved local businesses say, by the influx of immigrants.
READ MORE: Trump Faces Increasing Calls to Participate in Second Debate
“It is disappointing that some of the narratives surrounding our city has been skewed by misinformation circulating on social media and further amplified by political rhetoric in the current highly-charged presidential election cycle, our Springfield community is making notable progress that contributes to its growing appeal among new residents, including immigrants, Heck said. “This development is underpinned by our city’s diverse and robust industrial base that encompasses the technology, automotive, food production and distribution sectors, the growth in our workforce population has supported the expansion of local businesses, contributing to the stabilization of our local economy.”
Donald Trump’s claims during the debate have sparked countless memes and auto-tuned videos mocking the ex-president.
“In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs,” ex-president Donald Trump said at Tuesday night’s debate, a false claim that already had been debunked, including by city officials, as ABC News reports. “The people that came in, they’re eating the cats, they’re eating, they’re eating the pets of the people that live there.”
A City of Springfield spokesperson “told ABC News these claims are false, and that there have been ‘no credible reports or specific claims of pets being harmed, injured or abused by individuals in the immigrant community.'”
“Additionally, there have been no verified instances of immigrants engaging in illegal activities such as squatting or littering in front of residents’ homes,” the spokesperson said. “Furthermore, no reports have been made regarding members of the immigrant community deliberately disrupting traffic.”
After being fact-checked in real-time during Tuesday’s debate, Trump doubled-down.
“I’ve seen people on television,” he insisted. “The people on television say, ‘My dog was taken and used for food.’”
Trump’s Republican running mate U.S. Senator JD Vance, who represents Springfield and the entire state of Ohio, also promoted the false claim, and when confronted, also doubled-down.
“In the last several weeks, my office has received many inquiries from actual residents of Springfield who’ve said their neighbors’ pets or local wildlife were abducted by Haitian migrants,” he wrote on X Tuesday, CNN reported. “It’s possible, of course, that all of these rumors will turn out to be false.”
CNN explained, “The unsubstantiated claims appear to be the result of an unwieldy game of telephone that began as a rumor in a local Facebook group before spiraling to reach the highest echelons of conservative media and the Republican Party. They spread widely on X, whose owner, Elon Musk, has embraced the false rumors and posted several memes that promoted them.”
RELATED: No, Haitian Immigrants Aren’t Eating Cats in Ohio
As for the origin of the racist and false dog and cat-eating migrants trope, New York magazine’s Jonathan Chait calls it a “lie,” that “originated from white-supremacist sites online, which relentlessly promote the idea that non-white immigrants are dirty and dangerous. It quickly worked its way from the far right into mainstream conservative channels. Republicans seemed to think the idea gave them a potent meme.”
Chait says Vance is “an important bridge between the GOP and elements of the radical right that have been activated by Trump,” and “played a key role.”
“Before Vance,” NPR reported, “neo-Nazis helped spread the debunked claims.”
“Reports now show that people have had their pets abducted and eaten by people who shouldn’t be in this country,” Vance had tweeted.
Watch MSNBC’s report on the bomb threats below or at this link.
Springfield, Ohio’s city hall was evacuated this morning due to a bomb threat.
This comes two days after former President Donald Trump boosted the baseless rumor that Haitian immigrants there were “eating the pets of the people that live there.” pic.twitter.com/VnCwYE5Zpy
— Heartland Signal (@HeartlandSignal) September 12, 2024
READ MORE: Tim Walz Mocks Anti-LGBTQ Book Bans During HRC Speech
Donald Trump is refusing to commit to a second presidential debate despite a series of polls that found viewers say Vice President Kamala Harris won this week’s debate by a huge margin, but some top Republicans and at least one top Trump benefactor are pushing him to participate in a second round. The Harris campaign immediately called on Trump to do a second debate after Tuesday’s apparent rout.
“I don’t know that I want to do another debate,” Trump told Fox News Wednesday.
“So you don’t know if you want to do another debate – it sounds like you’re a no,” host Steve Doocy responded.
“Well, I’d be less inclined to, because we had a great night. We won the debate,” Trump claimed, contrary to CNN’s flash poll and even top GOP pollster Frank Luntz (video), who predicted Trump’s debate performance will cost him the election.
“We had a terrible a terrible network,” Trump complained. “I think they were terrible. They should be embarrassed. I mean, they kept correcting me, and what I said was largely right, or I hope it was right, but what they said was absolutely wrong.”
How strong was the Vice President’s performance?
“Harris’s margin was bigger than 20 other polls CNN has conducted after [other presidential] debates, dating back to 1984,” The Washington Post reports. “Harris was also deemed the winner of the debate by 31 percent of Trump supporters — similar to the 30 percent of Biden supporters who said Trump won the June 27 debate.”
U.S. Senator Rick Scott (R-FL), a top Trump surrogate facing his own tight re-election race, is urging Trump to go another round, while suggesting he doesn’t have much choice.
“I think it would be an opportunity,” Senator Scott said, The Hill reports. “If I was in Trump’s position, I would.”
U.S. Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC) also supports Trump debating Harris again.
READ MORE: MAGA World Threatens to Boycott ABC After Trump’s Disastrous Debate Performance
“I believe we missed a lot of opportunities last night,” Senator Tillis told reporters Wednesday.
“It makes a lot more sense to, instead of talking about cats and dogs, talk about 1.5 million got-aways,” he said, referring to immigrants crossing the border. “That’s a lot more frightening to me, and it’s a real threat.”
Billionaire Elon Musk, a top Trump supporter who co-founded a pro-Trump Super PAC and has a “fast-evolving political friendship” with the ex-president, according to The New York Times, also wants Trump to do another debate.
Responding to a post on his social media platform X announcing the Harris campaign wants a second debate, Musk wrote: “Excellent, a second debate would be great.”
But hours after his Fox News telephone interview Wednesday, Trump compared himself to a prizefighter, claimed he had won the debate and asked, “why would I do a Rematch?”
And Wednesday, Trump falsely told reporters the polls show him winning the debate. He added, “when you win, you don’t necessarily have to do it a second time.”
"Are we going to do rematch? I just don't know, we'll think about it," Donald Trump discusses the possibility of a second debate with Kamala Harris.
"Right now, we have to determine whether or not we even want to do it." pic.twitter.com/hYoHxlvx6h
— NBC Politics (@NBCPolitics) September 11, 2024
Multiple-Location Bomb Threat Follows Trump and Vance’s False Dog-Eating Immigrants Claims
Trump Faces Increasing Calls to Participate in Second Debate
Loomer Invokes Hannibal Lecter as Trump Triples Down on Lies About Immigrants Eating Pets
Loomer Invokes Hannibal Lecter as Trump Triples Down on Lies About Immigrants Eating Pets
Multiple-Location Bomb Threat Follows Trump and Vance’s False Dog-Eating Immigrants Claims
Trump Faces Increasing Calls to Participate in Second Debate
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