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Op-Ed: Me, God and Trump

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Essayist Max S. Gordon shares his thoughts on surviving Donald Trump in this satirical and humorous short story.

So last night, out of desperation and total despair, I went to God about the whole “Trump” thing. 

I called God, (I’ve got her cell number), and was shocked when it went straight to voicemail. 

“Hi, this is God. I’m not here right now, but if you’ll leave a message at the tone, I’ll be sure to get back with you.”

I thought, What the hell is God doing? God is always supposed to be available. Then a voice said, “If this is an emergency, press zero to speak to the operator.”

I pressed zero and waited. There was music while I was on hold. I thought it would have been some tabernacle choir singing “You’ll Never Walk Alone” or “Amazing Grace”, but it was Billy Joel’s “Moving Out (Anthony’s Song)” from the 1970s. I thought, God’s a Billy Joel fan? What does she mean by that song? I’ll admit, I felt a bit frightened.

Someone picked up. “God speaking.”

“God?”

“Yes, who’s calling?”

“Max. Do you have a minute?”

“Sure, sweetheart. Just one second while I take these rolls out of the oven and I’ll be right with you.” I heard an oven door slam. “Okay,” God said breathlessly, returning to the phone. “I’m here. What’s going on? Another question about writing and why you aren’t famous yet?”

“No. Not this time.”

“Good. I didn’t make you a writer to be famous, but to communicate with others. You know that.”

“God, this is about Donald Trump.”

“Oh yes,” she said, and sighed. “I’m afraid that’s why I put the phone on voicemail. You only got through because I was just about to make a call. 10,567 messages this morning alone, I’m having friends over for dinner, and my assistant is on vacation this week. I needed a break. I’ll answer them all, eventually, of course.”

I tried to keep the tears out of my voice. “God, the election. How could you do this to us?”

“Hmmm,” she said. It sounded like she was lighting a cigarette but I knew better than that. “That’s an interesting way of looking at it.”

“Well, don’t you control everything? Isn’t this your will?”

“Well yes and no. Just because it isn’t my will, doesn’t mean it isn’t my will.”

“What do you mean by that, that doesn’t even make sense.”

“What I’m saying is, on some level I empower every choice because you are my creations and you have the power to create, whether I agree with you or not. At the same time, I don’t support anything that leaves anyone outside the circle of life.”

“Exactly, which is what I’ve been telling all my friends. You’re against Donald Trump. I knew it!”

“No, you don’t know it. Because you’re leaving him outside the circle when you say that. I created him too, remember?”

I groaned. “So you are to blame.”

“I created him,” she clarified, “I didn’t create his choices. The mashed potatoes are going to stick if I don’t stir them.”

“I’m here.”

There was the sound of a metal spoon landing heavily against the side of a pot. “Okay, I’m back. Look, honey, I know you’re frightened because of the pain that you think is coming. But everything that is essential will remain essential. Because you are my child, you can always choose to be in a state of grace. If love isn’t the choice, you’ve forgotten who you are. Don’t give him that power. In the end, as they say, a rose is still a rose. What you’re really afraid of is not who Donald is, but who you will become as a result of him. Of what hate will distort within you.”

“I want to fight what he’s doing.”

“Then fight. But fight what he’s doing because you love him and he’s your brother and he’s in the circle. Nothing I create is outside the circle. Fight so that he remembers who he is, and awakens from the dream. Grace is how you will remind others who they are.” 

She sighed again. “I’ve been through this with you all so many times. The tears I’ve cried for my children. But I’ve talked to my therapist recently about learning to let go more, not to be so controlling. I have to let you all make your own choices.”

“Your therapist?”

“Oh, she’s good. We’ve been working on anger. I’ve gotten a lot better over the last thousands of years. Ever read the Old Testament? I’ve learned so much since then. Now when I’m pissed, I just count to ten, and ask myself, do you really want to send fire, plagues and pestilence, when a simple kindly reminder would do?”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”

She laughed. “My point is, I know you all will get through this. Or you won’t. Where I am, what is essential will remain. I’ve learned to let you all make your own decisions. It was so freeing when I finally got that. No more migraines. I picked up cigarettes again this week, but this is the last one and I’m not getting another pack. There have just been so many Trump calls, in so many languages. I’m doing my best, just as you are. But I’m not perfect, you know.”

“Of course you’re perfect,” I almost screamed. “That’s why you’re God!”

“I’m God because I love you unconditionally and I’m always here,” she reminded me. Her voice was gentle. “Otherwise, I’m doing the best I can, too. Would God be perfect and almost burn the dinner rolls before you called?”

“I’ve got more questions,” I told her, sensing she needed to leave.

“I know, hon, but I still need to change, and people will be here in less than fifteen minutes. Gabriel is always on time, bless his little heart. I guess he’s never heard the term ‘fashionably late.’ I hope Martin Luther brings his potato salad again. I’m still waiting to get that recipe. He says it’s his grandmother’s.”

“Protestant Reformation Martin Luther?”

“No, Martin Luther King, Jr. His phone’s been ringing off the hook too. I figured he could use a home-cooked meal.”

“Right.”

“But you know I’m always here when you need me. And you will get through this. Or you won’t. Either way, remember your grace. It’s all you are. If you see someone left outside the circle, any of my children, love them. All of them. And don’t be afraid to kick ass from time to time to wake people up, but remember to do it lovingly.”

“Thank you, God.”

“You’re welcome, sweetheart. I’ll speak with you soon.”

I heard a click, and a voice said, “Thank you for calling God. You’ve been invited to participate in a customer service survey. Were we able to answer all your questions to your satisfaction? Press 5 for excellent service and 1 for needs improvement.”

“O Lord,” I thought, “not another fucking survey” and pressed two. 

God’s voice was back on the line. “I knew you weren’t completely satisfied with what I said. You never are, but that’s okay. Remember: true satisfaction will never be found in any answer, but in the depth of your questions. Give up the illusion of answers, you’ll be a lot happier. This isn’t easy for you, but it will get better. Now, one last thing. Should I wear red or orange lipstick, the dress I’m wearing is sort-of peach colored.”

“True satisfaction will never be found in any answer,” I reminded her.

“Very funny. There’s the door bell. Hurry.”

“I’d go with something a little paler than red,” I told her. “Maybe pink, or if you have it, tangerine.”

“Got it,” said God. “Gotta dash. Kisses, sweetie. I’m so glad I created gay men.”

 

Image by Andres Rodriguez via Flickr and a CC license

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Congressman Pummeled for Praising Students Mocking Black Protester With Monkey Sounds

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U.S. Rep. Mike Collins, Republican of Georgia, is under fire after praising University of Mississippi students, some wearing American flag outfits, mocking a Black woman protester by making monkey sounds and shouting, “lock her up.”

“Counter-protestors at the University of Mississippi made racist remarks — including monkey noises and comparisons to Lizzo — towards a Black woman who was part of a planned protest against the war in Gaza,” Los Angeles Magazine reported Friday.

Collins, who tried to defund Vice President Kamala Harris’ Office in November, declared his support for the counter-protesters at “Ole Miss,” as the University is called.

“Ole Miss taking care of business,” he wrote on social media, atop the video (below).

The counter-protesters, as evidenced in the video, appear to be mostly white.

A large number of users on the social media platform X responded, accusing the Congressman and the counter-protesters of racism.

“When is the inevitable ‘I don’t have a racist bone in my body’ tweet coming,” wondered Rewire News Group editor-at-large Imani Gandy.

“Which part is your favorite, Mike?” asked Fred Wellman, the former executive director of The Lincoln Project. “Is it the white kid acting like a monkey at the black woman or the white security guy acting like she’s a threat? I’m trying to figure out which flavor of racism has you all excited the most?”

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Harvard Law Cyberlaw Clinic clinical instructor Alejandra Caraballo responded to the Georgia GOP congressman, “Thanks for confirming you’re a massive racist piece of sh*t.”

Mississippi Free Press news editor Ashton Pittman wrote: “Rep. Mike Collins, R-Georgia, praises a video showing a University of Mississippi frat boy dancing like a monkey and making monkey noises near a Black woman student who was protesting for Palestine while other frat boys chant ‘lock her up.'”

In a separate post describing a separate video taken of the same group Pittman wrote: “Frat bros at @OleMiss chant, ‘Lizzo! Lizzo!’ and shout, ‘F**k you fatass, f**k you b*tch’ at a Black woman who was protesting for Palestine. Do people really think these counterprotestors are doing it to support Jews?”

Journalist John Harwood did not mince words, writing, “Congressman proud of the racism.”

“Okay, Mike. We get it,” wrote podcast host, documentary director, and author W. Kamau Bell. “You want to be famous for being a racist. Fine. I’ll help you become a famous racist. You’re welcome.”

The original video is here.

See Rep. Collins’ post and the video below or at this link.

Caution: the video is disturbing.

READ MORE: Noem Heads to Mar-a-Lago After Branding Kids She Ministered in Church ‘Little Tyrants’

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Noem Heads to Mar-a-Lago After Branding Kids She Ministered in Church ‘Little Tyrants’

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Amid more damning revelations from her soon-to-be released book, embattled South Dakota Republican Governor Kristi Noem will head to Mar-a-Lago this weekend as ex-president Donald Trump auditions potential vice presidential picks in front of high-dollar donors. Noem was also slated to attend a Republican fundraiser in Colorado this weekend but it was canceled over alleged safety concerns after news broke she had bragged about shooting her 14-month old dog.

While Noem’s shooting to death of her wirehaired pointer, Cricket, which she detailed in the book, is still making headlines overnight a new revelation made news: Noem falsely claims in her book she met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.

A spokesperson for Noem “seemed to concede that the Kim story was false Thursday night,” and notified her publisher, Politico’s Ryan Lizza reported in his exclusive.

But less noticed appears to be the actual text of Noem’s false story, in which she brands children she ministered in church “little tyrants,” and compared them to the murderous North Korean dictator.

READ MORE: RFK Jr., Embracing Far-Right, Spoke at Fundraiser for Anti-Government Group With J6 Ties

“Through my tenure on the House Armed Services Committee,” Noem wrote, according to Politico, “I had the chance to travel to many countries to meet with world leaders. I remember when I met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. I’m sure he underestimated me, having no clue about my experience staring down little tyrants (I’d been a children’s pastor, after all).”

CNBC reported this week Trump “will mingle with potential vice presidential running mates and wealthy Republican donors at the Republican National Committee’s spring donor retreat. The meetings are likely to act as informal tryouts for a short list of politicos in the running to join the Trump ticket.”

The list of Republican “special guests” includes U.S. Senators Marco Rubio, Tim Scott, and J.D. Vance, Rep. Elise Stefanik, North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum, and South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem.

Also expected to attend are House Speaker Mike Johnson, U.S. Reps. Byron Donalds of Florida and Wesley Hunt of Texas, former GOP presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy, and other elected Republicans along with RNC co-chair Lara Trump.

READ MORE: Election Denialism Embraced by ‘Large Proportion’ of Trump’s Followers: Report

NBC News, which says Rep. Donalds is also under consideration, on Friday added there will be “a fundraising retreat that could serve as a screening session” for potential vice presidential running mates.

Meanwhile, the Jefferson County, Colorado Republican Party chair announced a fundraising dinner Noem was slated to attend was canceled after threats were made, The Denver Post reports.

“We understood there was a planned organized protest outside of the hotel, led by Progress Now,” Nancy Pallozzi said. “I felt that our event would be negatively impacted, and we could not take the risk that those who made threats would cause physical harm.”

 

 

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RFK Jr., Embracing Far-Right, Spoke at Fundraiser for Anti-Government Group With J6 Ties

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Over the weekend independent 2024 presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. spoke at a fundraiser for a far-right anti-government group in Erie County, New York – a slice of the country that had a large proportion of residents arrested and charged for crimes related to the January 6 insurrection. Kennedy, a conspiracy theorist and vaccine denialist, increasingly is embracing the far-right.

“That group, Constitutional Coalition of New York State, has founders who not only have ties to Donald Trump but are also connected to the stop-the-steal movement through their activist network, which includes groups that had a presence at the Capitol on Jan. 6,” The Daily Beast reported Friday. “It’s yet another instance of Kennedy—who is mounting one of the most well-funded third-party presidential threats in decades—serving as a peculiar bridge between his own anti-establishment movement and Trump’s.”

The Southern Poverty Law Center includes the Constitutional Coalition of New York State (CCNYS) on its page of anti-government groups. Political Research Associates, which detailed the high proportion of January 6 residents arrested and charged, included the Constitutional Coalition of New York State in its February report on “The Rise of the Far Right in Western New York.”

READ MORE: Election Denialism Embraced by ‘Large Proportion’ of Trump’s Followers: Report

“If you don’t think the government is lying to you, you’re not paying attention,” Kennedy told attendees at the CCNYS fundraiser, The Buffalo News reports.

“CCNYS founders Nick and Nancie Orticelli are also affiliated with the Watchmen, a nearby militia who Nick has encouraged his social media followers to join. The Watchmen had several members at the Capitol on Jan. 6, and one member, Pete Harding, is still facing charges for violent entry and disorderly conduct on Capitol grounds,” The Daily Beast noted. “Nancie Orticelli has also hosted the Watchmen’s founder, Charles Pellien, on her weekly radio show on several occasions.”

One of Kennedy’s goals in traveling to New York was to get on the ballot for the November presidential election. Various polls show him taking votes from both President Joe Biden and ex-president Donald Trump, but Kennedy currently has only qualified to be on the ballot in three states, Utah, Michigan and Hawaii, the newspaper reported.

But The Washington Post on Thursday reported The American Independent Party of California, which has a history of “far-right ties,” and “backed segregationist and former Alabama governor George Wallace in 1968, nominated Kennedy for president.”

Kennedy “said this week that he has qualified to be on the ballot in California and will accept the nomination of the American Independent Party, which has a history of associating itself with far-right figures and individuals who have expressed racist views.”

Some news reports and RFK Jr. himself say the Trump campaign was actively courting Kennedy, attempting to convince him to consider being the ex-president’s 2024 vice presidential running mate.

“That MAGA dalliance with Kennedy could be coming back to bite the Trump campaign, some Republicans close to the former president worry,” The Daily Beast also reported.

“’They can only blame themselves,’ a Trump-aligned strategist told The Daily Beast, requesting anonymity to speak candidly about private conversations about the risk Kennedy poses, ‘because they cozied up to him and thought it was funny.’”

Watch WIVBTV’s report on Kennedy’s trip to New York below or at this link.

READ MORE: Trump Won’t Commit to Accepting Election Results if He Doesn’t Win State He Falsely Claims He Won

 

 

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