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Op-Ed: Me, God and Trump

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Essayist Max S. Gordon shares his thoughts on surviving Donald Trump in this satirical and humorous short story.

So last night, out of desperation and total despair, I went to God about the whole “Trump” thing. 

I called God, (I’ve got her cell number), and was shocked when it went straight to voicemail. 

“Hi, this is God. I’m not here right now, but if you’ll leave a message at the tone, I’ll be sure to get back with you.”

I thought, What the hell is God doing? God is always supposed to be available. Then a voice said, “If this is an emergency, press zero to speak to the operator.”

I pressed zero and waited. There was music while I was on hold. I thought it would have been some tabernacle choir singing “You’ll Never Walk Alone” or “Amazing Grace”, but it was Billy Joel’s “Moving Out (Anthony’s Song)” from the 1970s. I thought, God’s a Billy Joel fan? What does she mean by that song? I’ll admit, I felt a bit frightened.

Someone picked up. “God speaking.”

“God?”

“Yes, who’s calling?”

“Max. Do you have a minute?”

“Sure, sweetheart. Just one second while I take these rolls out of the oven and I’ll be right with you.” I heard an oven door slam. “Okay,” God said breathlessly, returning to the phone. “I’m here. What’s going on? Another question about writing and why you aren’t famous yet?”

“No. Not this time.”

“Good. I didn’t make you a writer to be famous, but to communicate with others. You know that.”

“God, this is about Donald Trump.”

“Oh yes,” she said, and sighed. “I’m afraid that’s why I put the phone on voicemail. You only got through because I was just about to make a call. 10,567 messages this morning alone, I’m having friends over for dinner, and my assistant is on vacation this week. I needed a break. I’ll answer them all, eventually, of course.”

I tried to keep the tears out of my voice. “God, the election. How could you do this to us?”

“Hmmm,” she said. It sounded like she was lighting a cigarette but I knew better than that. “That’s an interesting way of looking at it.”

“Well, don’t you control everything? Isn’t this your will?”

“Well yes and no. Just because it isn’t my will, doesn’t mean it isn’t my will.”

“What do you mean by that, that doesn’t even make sense.”

“What I’m saying is, on some level I empower every choice because you are my creations and you have the power to create, whether I agree with you or not. At the same time, I don’t support anything that leaves anyone outside the circle of life.”

“Exactly, which is what I’ve been telling all my friends. You’re against Donald Trump. I knew it!”

“No, you don’t know it. Because you’re leaving him outside the circle when you say that. I created him too, remember?”

I groaned. “So you are to blame.”

“I created him,” she clarified, “I didn’t create his choices. The mashed potatoes are going to stick if I don’t stir them.”

“I’m here.”

There was the sound of a metal spoon landing heavily against the side of a pot. “Okay, I’m back. Look, honey, I know you’re frightened because of the pain that you think is coming. But everything that is essential will remain essential. Because you are my child, you can always choose to be in a state of grace. If love isn’t the choice, you’ve forgotten who you are. Don’t give him that power. In the end, as they say, a rose is still a rose. What you’re really afraid of is not who Donald is, but who you will become as a result of him. Of what hate will distort within you.”

“I want to fight what he’s doing.”

“Then fight. But fight what he’s doing because you love him and he’s your brother and he’s in the circle. Nothing I create is outside the circle. Fight so that he remembers who he is, and awakens from the dream. Grace is how you will remind others who they are.” 

She sighed again. “I’ve been through this with you all so many times. The tears I’ve cried for my children. But I’ve talked to my therapist recently about learning to let go more, not to be so controlling. I have to let you all make your own choices.”

“Your therapist?”

“Oh, she’s good. We’ve been working on anger. I’ve gotten a lot better over the last thousands of years. Ever read the Old Testament? I’ve learned so much since then. Now when I’m pissed, I just count to ten, and ask myself, do you really want to send fire, plagues and pestilence, when a simple kindly reminder would do?”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”

She laughed. “My point is, I know you all will get through this. Or you won’t. Where I am, what is essential will remain. I’ve learned to let you all make your own decisions. It was so freeing when I finally got that. No more migraines. I picked up cigarettes again this week, but this is the last one and I’m not getting another pack. There have just been so many Trump calls, in so many languages. I’m doing my best, just as you are. But I’m not perfect, you know.”

“Of course you’re perfect,” I almost screamed. “That’s why you’re God!”

“I’m God because I love you unconditionally and I’m always here,” she reminded me. Her voice was gentle. “Otherwise, I’m doing the best I can, too. Would God be perfect and almost burn the dinner rolls before you called?”

“I’ve got more questions,” I told her, sensing she needed to leave.

“I know, hon, but I still need to change, and people will be here in less than fifteen minutes. Gabriel is always on time, bless his little heart. I guess he’s never heard the term ‘fashionably late.’ I hope Martin Luther brings his potato salad again. I’m still waiting to get that recipe. He says it’s his grandmother’s.”

“Protestant Reformation Martin Luther?”

“No, Martin Luther King, Jr. His phone’s been ringing off the hook too. I figured he could use a home-cooked meal.”

“Right.”

“But you know I’m always here when you need me. And you will get through this. Or you won’t. Either way, remember your grace. It’s all you are. If you see someone left outside the circle, any of my children, love them. All of them. And don’t be afraid to kick ass from time to time to wake people up, but remember to do it lovingly.”

“Thank you, God.”

“You’re welcome, sweetheart. I’ll speak with you soon.”

I heard a click, and a voice said, “Thank you for calling God. You’ve been invited to participate in a customer service survey. Were we able to answer all your questions to your satisfaction? Press 5 for excellent service and 1 for needs improvement.”

“O Lord,” I thought, “not another fucking survey” and pressed two. 

God’s voice was back on the line. “I knew you weren’t completely satisfied with what I said. You never are, but that’s okay. Remember: true satisfaction will never be found in any answer, but in the depth of your questions. Give up the illusion of answers, you’ll be a lot happier. This isn’t easy for you, but it will get better. Now, one last thing. Should I wear red or orange lipstick, the dress I’m wearing is sort-of peach colored.”

“True satisfaction will never be found in any answer,” I reminded her.

“Very funny. There’s the door bell. Hurry.”

“I’d go with something a little paler than red,” I told her. “Maybe pink, or if you have it, tangerine.”

“Got it,” said God. “Gotta dash. Kisses, sweetie. I’m so glad I created gay men.”

 

Image by Andres Rodriguez via Flickr and a CC license

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OPINION

Noem Defends Shooting Her 14-Month Old Puppy to Death, Brags She Has Media ‘Gasping’

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Republican Governor Kristi Noem of South Dakota, a top potential Trump vice presidential running mate pick, revealed in a forthcoming book she “hated” her 14-month old puppy and shot it to death. Massive online outrage ensued, including accusations of “animal cruelty” and “cold-blooded murder,” but the pro-life former member of Congress is defending her actions and bragging she had the media “gasping.”

“Cricket was a wirehair pointer, about 14 months old,” Noem writes in her soon-to-be released book, according to The Guardian which reports “the dog, a female, had an ‘aggressive personality’ and needed to be trained to be used for hunting pheasant.”

“By taking Cricket on a pheasant hunt with older dogs, Noem says, she hoped to calm the young dog down and begin to teach her how to behave. Unfortunately, Cricket ruined the hunt, going ‘out of her mind with excitement, chasing all those birds and having the time of her life’.”

“Then, on the way home after the hunt, as Noem stopped to talk to a local family, Cricket escaped Noem’s truck and attacked the family’s chickens, ‘grabb[ing] one chicken at a time, crunching it to death with one bite, then dropping it to attack another’.”

READ MORE: President Hands Howard Stern Live Interview After NY Times Melts Down Over Biden Brush-Off

“Cricket the untrainable dog, Noem writes, behaved like ‘a trained assassin’.”

Except Cricket wasn’t trained. Online several people with experience training dogs have said Noem did everything wrong.

“I hated that dog,” Noem wrote, calling the young girl pup “untrainable,” “dangerous to anyone she came in contact with,” and “less than worthless … as a hunting dog.”

“At that moment,” Noem wrote, “I realized I had to put her down.”

“It was not a pleasant job,” she added, “but it had to be done. And after it was over, I realized another unpleasant job needed to be done.”

The Guardian reports Noem went on that day to slaughter a goat that “smelled ‘disgusting, musky, rancid’ and ‘loved to chase’ Noem’s children, knocking them down and ruining their clothes.”

She dragged both animals separately into a gravel pit and shot them one at a time. The puppy died after one shell, but the goat took two.

On social media Noem expressed no regret, no sadness, no empathy for the animals others say did not need to die, and certainly did not need to die so cruelly.

READ MORE: ‘Assassination of Political Rivals as an Official Act’: AOC Warns Take Trump ‘Seriously’

But she did use the opportunity to promote her book.

Attorney and legal analyst Jeffrey Evan Gold says Governor Noem’s actions might have violated state law.

“You slaughtered a 14-month-old puppy because it wasn’t good at the ‘job’ you chose for it?” he asked. “SD § 40-1-2.3. ‘No person owning or responsible for the care of an animal may neglect, abandon, or mistreat the animal.'”

The Democratic National Committee released a statement saying, “Kristi Noem’s extreme record goes beyond bizarre rants about killing her pets – she also previously said a 10-year-old rape victim should be forced to carry out her pregnancy, does not support exceptions for rape or incest, and has threatened to throw pharmacists in jail for providing medication abortions.”

Former Trump White House Director of Strategic Communications Alyssa Farah Griffin, now a co-host on “The View” wrote, “There are countless organizations that re-home dogs from owners who are incapable of properly training and caring for them.”

The Lincoln Project’s Rick Wilson blasted the South Dakota governor.

“Kristi Noem is trash,” he began. “Decades with hunting- and bird-dogs, and the number I’ve killed because they were chicken-sharp or had too much prey drive is ZERO. Puppies need slow exposure to birds, and bird-scent.”

“She killed a puppy because she was lazy at training bird dogs, not because it was a bad dog,” he added. “Not every dog is for the field, but 99.9% of them are trainable or re-homeable. We have one now who was never going in the field, but I didn’t kill her. She’s sleeping on the couch. You down old dogs, hurt dogs, and sick dogs humanely, not by shooting them and tossing them in a gravel pit. Unsporting and deliberately cruel…but she wrote this to prove the cruelty is the point.”

Melissa Jo Peltier, a writer and producer of the “Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan” series, also heaped strong criticism on Noem.

“After 10+ years working with Cesar Millan & other highly specialized trainers, I believe NO dog should be put down just because they can’t or won’t do what we decide WE want them to,” Peltier said in a lengthy statement. “Dogs MUST be who they are. Sadly, that’s often who WE teach them to be. And our species is a hot mess. I would have happily taken Kristi Noem’s puppy & rehomed it. What she did is animal cruelty & cold blooded murder in my book.”

READ MORE: ‘Blood on Your Hands’: Tennessee Republicans OK Arming Teachers After Deadly School Shooting

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OPINION

President Hands Howard Stern Live Interview After NY Times Melts Down Over Biden Brush-Off

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President Joe Biden gave an nearly-unannounced, last-minute, live exclusive interview Friday morning to Howard Stern, the SiriusXM radio host who for decades, from the mid-1990s to about 2015, was a top Trump friend, fan, and aficionado. But the impetus behind the President’s move appears to be a rare and unsigned statement from the The New York Times Company, defending the “paper of record” after months of anger from the public over what some say is its biased negative coverage of the Biden presidency and, especially, a Thursday report by Politico claiming Times Publisher A.G. Sulzberger is furious the President has refused to give the “Grey Lady” an in-person  interview.

“The Times’ desire for a sit-down interview with Biden by the newspaper’s White House team is no secret around the West Wing or within the D.C. bureau,” Politico reported. “Getting the president on the record with the paper of record is a top priority for publisher A.G. Sulzberger. So much so that last May, when Vice President Kamala Harris arrived at the newspaper’s midtown headquarters for an off-the-record meeting with around 40 Times journalists, Sulzberger devoted several minutes to asking her why Biden was still refusing to grant the paper — or any major newspaper — an interview.”

“In Sulzberger’s view,” Politico explained, “only an interview with a paper like the Times can verify that the 81-year-old Biden is still fit to hold the presidency.”

But it was this statement that made Politico’s scoop go viral.

READ MORE: Justices’ Views on Trump Immunity Stun Experts: ‘Watching the Constitution Be Rewritten’

“’All these Biden people think that the problem is Peter Baker or whatever reporter they’re mad at that day,’ one Times journalist said. ‘It’s A.G. He’s the one who is pissed [that] Biden hasn’t done any interviews and quietly encourages all the tough reporting on his age.'”

Popular Information founder Judd Legum in March documented The New York Times’ (and other top papers’) obsession with Biden’s age after the Hur Report.

Thursday evening the Times put out a “scorching” statement, as Politico later reported, not on the newspaper’s website but on the company’s corporate website, not addressing the Politico piece directly but calling it “troubling” that President Biden “has so actively and effectively avoided questions from independent journalists during his term.”

Media watchers and critics pushed back on the Times’ statement.

READ MORE: ‘To Do God Knows What’: Local Elections Official Reads Lara Trump the Riot Act

“NYT issues an unprecedented statement slamming Biden for ‘actively and effectively avoid[ing] questions from independent journalists during his term’ and claiming it’s their ‘independence’ that Biden dislikes, when it’s actually that they’re dying to trip him up,” wrote media critic Dan Froomkin, editor of Press Watch.

Froomkin also pointed to a 2017 report from Poynter, a top journalism site published by The Poynter Institute, that pointed out the poor job the Times did of interviewing then-President Trump.

Others, including former Biden Deputy Secretary of State Brian McKeon, debunked the Times’ claim President Biden hasn’t given interviews to independent journalists by pointing to Biden’s interviews with CBS News’ “60 Minutes” and a 20-minute sit-down interview with veteran journalist John Harwood for ProPublica.

Former Chicago Sun-Times editor Mark Jacob, now a media critic who publishes Stop the Presses, offered a more colorful take of Biden’s decision to go on Howard Stern.

The Times itself just last month reported on a “wide-ranging interview” President Biden gave to The New Yorker.

Watch the video and read the social media posts above or at this link.

READ MORE: ‘Doesn’t Care if Pregnant Women Live or Die’: Alito Slammed Over Emergency Abortion Remarks

 

 

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CNN Smacks Down Trump Rant Courthouse So ‘Heavily Guarded’ MAGA Cannot Attend His Trial

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Donald Trump’s Friday morning claim Manhattan’s Criminal Courts Building is “heavily guarded” so his supporters cannot attend his trial was torched by a top CNN anchor. The ex-president, facing 34 felony charges in New York, had been urging his followers to show up and protest on the courthouse steps, but few have.

“I’m at the heavily guarded Courthouse. Security is that of Fort Knox, all so that MAGA will not be able to attend this trial, presided over by a highly conflicted pawn of the Democrat Party. It is a sight to behold! Getting ready to do my Courthouse presser. Two minutes!” Trump wrote Friday morning on his Truth Social account.

CNN’s Kaitlan Collins supplied a different view.

“Again, the courthouse is open the public. The park outside, where a handful of his supporters have gathered on trials days, is easily accessible,” she wrote minutes after his post.

READ MORE: ‘Assassination of Political Rivals as an Official Act’: AOC Warns Take Trump ‘Seriously’

Trump has tried to rile up his followers to come out and make a strong showing.

On Monday Trump urged his supporters to “rally behind MAGA” and “go out and peacefully protest” at courthouses across the country, while complaining that “people who truly LOVE our Country, and want to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, are not allowed to ‘Peacefully Protest,’ and are rudely and systematically shut down and ushered off to far away ‘holding areas,’ essentially denying them their Constitutional Rights.”

On Wednesday Trump claimed, “The Courthouse area in Lower Manhattan is in a COMPLETE LOCKDOWN mode, not for reasons of safety, but because they don’t want any of the thousands of MAGA supporters to be present. If they did the same thing at Columbia, and other locations, there would be no problem with the protesters!”

After detailing several of his false claims about security measures prohibiting his followers from being able to show their support and protest, CNN published a fact-check on Wednesday:

“Trump’s claims are all false. The police have not turned away ‘thousands of people’ from the courthouse during his trial; only a handful of Trump supporters have shown up to demonstrate near the building,” CNN reported.

“And while there are various security measures in place in the area, including some street closures enforced by police officers and barricades, it’s not true that ‘for blocks you can’t get near this courthouse.’ In reality, the designated protest zone for the trial is at a park directly across the street from the courthouse – and, in addition, people are permitted to drive right up to the front of the courthouse and walk into the building, which remains open to the public. If people show up early enough in the morning, they can even get into the trial courtroom itself or the overflow room that shows near-live video of the proceedings.”

READ MORE: Justices’ Views on Trump Immunity Stun Experts: ‘Watching the Constitution Be Rewritten’

 

 

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