WATCH: One Of These Nine Anti-Gay Religious Extremists Is About To Become A US Congressman

At ‘Faith & Family Forum’ Candidates Touting Anti-LGBT Bonafides Campaign To Replace Texas Rep. Randy Neugebauer

Whenever a bunch of GOP congressional candidates gather for a “Faith & Family Forum” in Texas, you know you’re in store for some pretty good entertainment. (See video above.)

And the nine candidates to replace right-wing Texas Rep. Randy Neugebauer in House District 19 certainly didn’t disappoint on Tuesday night in Lubbock — or, as it’s sometimes dis-affectionately referred to, “Lubbuttocks.” 

Neugebauer, who’s suggested repeatedly that same-sex marriage will destroy America, also famously called Michigan Democrat Bart Stupak a “baby killer” on the House floor in 2010. The year before, Neugebauer co-sponsored an anti-Obama “birther bill,” which would’ve required presidential candidates to provide copies of their birth certificates.

We know what you’re thinking — what a shame to see Neugebauer go! Never fear, though: Lubbock County Republican Party Chairman Carl Tepper, who co-moderated Tuesday’s forum, assured everyone that the good people of District 19 will be sending someone to Congress to fight for “Christian morals,” which he says are under “full frontal” attack, and he’s not talking about porn. 

In what might be the least newsworthy sentence of 2016, The Lubbock Avalanche-Journal reports that “all nine candidates agreed the courts should not be deciding same-sex marriage and would fight against it, would not allow transgender people to use restrooms according to their identity, believe in protecting religious freedom and are against abortions and would vote to halt funds to Planned Parenthood.”

Needless to say, with such a wholesome crop of candidates, West Texas Republicans are faced with an agonizing decision. And in order to ensure their nominee can fill Neugebauer’s anti-baby-killing shoes, they’re going to have to dig deep into the nuances of these candidates’ extremist positions. 

For example, retired U.S. Air Force Col. Michael Bob Starr assured the audience he’s anti-abortion, even in cases of rape or incest. 

“I would entertain an exemption for the immediate life of a mother as long as we’re having a conversation about one life versus another life,” he added. “That’s something that should be resolved by that couple in close consultation and relying on their God,” he added, apparently assuming that the dying mother would be in a condition to do so.

However, Platinum Bank President and CEO Greg Garrett went a step further, saying there should never be an instance of abortion, according to the Avalanche–Journal. 

“The reason that I’m the only one that has no exceptions is I’m concerned that doctors will have an excuse to give a woman a reason to have an abortion,” Garrett said.

In other words, Garrett is so pro-life that he’s actually pro-death. He’s also apparently rabidly anti-LGBT. 

“No one should dictate what we should do as a private business,” Garrett said in the must-watch mashup of the candidate’s remarks on gay rights (above) from KLCW-TV. “We must get back to the free enterprise system, and we must take the problem of discriminating against businesses’ religious beliefs out of what we consider doing.”

Jodey Arrington, the former vice chancellor of Texas Tech University, said the Supreme Court was “supremely wrong to redefine marriage.” (See what he did there?) And retired surgeon Donald May complained about “discrimination against Christians by a small, vocal minority using the strong arm of a liberal government.”

Of course, words are one thing, but actions are another. And some District 19 candidates, like farmer Jason Corley, have a strategic plan for thwarting those lawless Supreme Court justices who voted in favor of same-sex marriage. 

“Republicans in Congress voted to OK these guys to let them in there,” said farmer Jason Corley. “When I go to Congress, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to jump up and down, stamp my foot, beat on the table and say, ‘No, we’re not going to allow this.'”

Good luck with that, Jason, but when it comes to detailed policy proposals, we’re pretty sure veterinarian Jon Key has you beat.

“We’ve got a bunch of nuts up there in Washington, and it’s time for somebody to go up there and crack those nuts,” Key said.

 

Image: Screenshot via KLCW-TV