New Traditions

Guest author Kahlib Barton shares his very personal journey of love and acceptance.

Holiday traditions in black families are very extraordinary, my family being no exception. If you follow “black Twitter” on social media you may have seen the hashtag #Thanksgivingwithblackfamilies where many people crafted their shared experiences into witty memes.

I can relate to the stories about finishing my second plate and then seeing something I missed that I just can’t resist and that feeling I get when that “one” cousin walks through the door. However, there was one meme I saw that I couldn’t seem to let go. It was about that cousin that decided to bring home the white girl; I am THAT cousin, but I am also gay.Â

As if it weren’t enough for me to have to convince my family to embrace me being gay, I was also asking them to accept my white boyfriend and it was all happening while we were supposed to be enjoying our holiday ham. Prior to me making this decision to introduce Kristopher to my family, I experienced a deep internal struggle. At the time I felt there was no way for me to completely expose myself and my white boyfriend all the while expecting complete acceptance.Â

My mother having done her research on Kris, (many of his personal experiences are public) expressed her willingness to embrace him. I was quite reluctant but I believe that I may not have been giving her enough credit; it was the rest of my family I really was worried about.Â

Many had expressed their discomfort with white people based on their experiences and this wasn’t just my white girlfriend; it’s a man. Regardless of how time progresses black people have very specific expectations for their men: we are to be strong and any sign of weakness is a threat to our masculinity. Being gay in the black community is the ultimate weakness. It means that you are a sissy and your “manhood” has been compromised, never mind your integrity, compassion, or determination.Â

Additionally, being a black man who is open to dating outside of your race to some in the black community means that you don’t respect yourself enough. It means that you do not understand the struggle otherwise you would only date within your race. If you choose to date a white person you must accept the fact that you run the risk of becoming a social pariah.Â

For a while, I personally shared many of these sentiments. I was always neglected by my white classmates. Being in advanced courses there were not too many students who looked like me in my classes and my peers made it clear that I didn’t belong inside their inner circles, so I stayed away.Â

I would always imagine a world where I could be unapologetically me, black and gay, and it wouldn’t make a difference to anyone. I thought I would find this on the gay scene but I was wrong. I realized that many white gay men weren’t in to black men; “no blacks” they would say. The ones that were only wanted to objectify me through sexual favors, so I decided to only date black men.Â

I recognized that just because someone is gay doesn’t mean that they aren’t subject to prejudice or racism. They are still white and because of that they experience white privilege.

So naturally when I met my boyfriend, I didn’t pay him much attention. It took me some time to even figure out that he had a crush on me. I thought he was cute so I gave it a try and for the first time I met a white person who recognized, acknowledged, utilized their privilege to promote others. Still, I didn’t expect us to actually blossom into what we are today. Many times I would contest my love for him within my own mind because he is white and it would affect our relationship.Â

With that being the case there is no denying that he sees me for who I truly am even through all of my faults. We have shared stories of misfortune in our pasts as well as hopeful dreams for our future together. He became my peace and I had to share him with the world beginning with my tribe.Â

Here I was, faced with not one but two obstacles to overcome and all with the hopes of simply having a nice visit home for the holidays. Initially, it was awkward. Growing up, Kristopher was in the foster care system so he never really had a family to celebrate Christmas with. He was quite reserved being in unfamiliar territory and I was worried that my family wouldn’t like him, or assume that he’s “stuck up.”

During the initial introduction I constantly checked on him attempting to be sure that he was comfortable and never feeling out of place. I needed it to be known that he felt like my family is his family especially with me wanting to spend the rest of my life with him.  Then, one of the times I was canvassing my aunt said, “Boy leave him alone, he is alright. You’re the one that’s worrying,” and I realized she was right.Â

The entire time I was obsessing about what my family was going to say but once I really stopped for a minute I realized that my family had already ratified him. A lot of my worry was based on community wide perspective but that could never change the love my family has for me.

Although many still may have a differing perspective towards my gayness and Kristopher’s whiteness, my family has grown to accept me and love him. The times we would have issues in our relationship, my mother became our therapist and our cheerleader and the rest of my family always asks about him.Â

This year as we travel home for Christmas, I am much more relaxed. Family supersedes all and now Kris is a part of my family. I believe that last year was the beginning of a new tradition in my family.Â

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The New Civil Rights Movement from time to time publishes personal stories, like this one, to share experiences of our diverse community.