INTRODUCTION

How many of you haven’t heard of the “Gay Agenda” or “Radical Homosexual Agenda”?

Although many claim there isn’t one, here it is, the new, improved radical, homosexual agenda for the next five years. An evil, 50-point roadmap, if you will, towards destroying nuclear families, and reshaping society to the point that if your son isn’t blowing his professor, don’t be planning any graduation ceremonies.

In 2005, I wrote a satire, The Gay Agenda, for Annoy.com. As I predicted in the contextualization, J. Matt Barber, (the gender-confused man of Concerned Women for America) who clearly doesn’t understand satire any more than he does his own unhealthy fascination with homosexuality, had this to say about me in his article “Unmasking the Gay Agenda“: “Such stark examples of homofascist persecution continue to mount. And they’re by design. Noted homosexual activist and pornographer Clinton Fein addressed the ‘gay’ agenda in a 2005 article candidly titled, ‘The Gay Agenda'”. Candid? Really?

Another man who spends his every waking hour thinking of, and every sleeping hour dreaming of, gay sex, is Peter LaBarbera from Americans for Truth (it used to be Americans for Truth About Homosexuality, but perhaps he didn’t want to be seen stating the blatantly obvious). At least Peter stated I was “spoofing conservative Christians,” yet could “feel” my hate and comforted his followers by letting them know “one day poor Clinton will have to answer to Him, anyway.”

For all the fear-mongering liars, frauds and hypocrites that use religion to marginalize, humiliate, electrocute and murder others, may this new, updated and revised Gay Agenda permeate your worst nightmares. Yes, Focus on the Family, Traditional Values Coalition, Concerned Women for America, American Family Association, Family Research Council, Eagle Forum, Alliance Defense Fund, Christian Coalition, Morality in the Media, National Organization for Marriage and all you other haters, this means you.

THE GAY AGENDA

1. Gay men and lesbians should marry one another, and extol each other every tangible and intangible benefit the institution provides. They cannot stop gay marriage as long as gays are marrying. If you are gay and single without a desire to marry, marry a homosexual of the opposite sex anyway, and donate any marriage credits the government may offer to any gay organization seeking to destroy heterosexual norms. Gay couples should marry lesbian couples for the same reasons.
2. Once benefits are secured, such as green cards, divorce. Wreck the sanctity of the institution by driving up the divorce rates from the current 52% to at least 80%.
3. Remember 52% of marriages end in divorce, the remaining 48% in death. There’s nothing sanctimonious about that. In fact the institution needs protecting from those under whose charge it currently rests. Demand the institution and then wreck it. They’re onto our evil intentions to destroy the family. They don’t realize how quickly.
4. BAN DIVORCE. If the institution is so in need of protection, seek a constitutional amendment to ban divorce. One marriage, once. Until passed, stiff incremental tax increases for anyone in second, third or fourth marriages. Beyond four, they’re nullified.
5. Use petitions and lobbying so that any religious institution granting divorce or marrying people who have already been married are stripped of any tax exemptions.
6. Until marriage is equal, heterosexuals should be forbidden from wearing wedding rings in public. The blatant flaunting of their sexuality is inappropriate, and we don’t need our children conjuring up penises and vaginas every time they spot a wedding ring. Gay marriage would neutralize that consequence.
7. Prevent people like Maggie Gallagher of National Organization for Marriage (NOM) from raising tax-exempt fees by speaking in public venues about what she likes sticking in her underused vagina. No one cares, not least of all, our children.
8. Lesbians are encouraged to become surrogate mothers and gay men are encouraged to donate sperm to any lesbian couples desiring children.
9. Penetrate the sperm banks to perpetuate the gene. Although the nature vs. nurture debate rages on, ensure that as many vials of semen contain gay genes. We want inventory without having to recruit from their churches.
10. Whether donating sperm or eggs, insist that heterosexuals be tested for homophobia before qualifying to receive any fertility assistance, regardless of how sad or desperate they may be.
11. Get a gun and learn how to shoot. It’s just as important to arm bears as it is to bear arms. If you think you’re protected by the Constitution, think again. Seeking a constitutional amendment to ban marriage is just a step. Their next constitutional amendment will be to deny gays guns.
12. File fraud and slander lawsuits targeted at “Ex Gay” movements or any other organization daring to claim to cure homosexuality, and turn their facilities into Homophobic Deviancy Rehabilitation (HDR) centers.
13. Certain religious groups have attempted to “straighten” gay children using electricity. If their assertions are correct, children or adults exercising homophobic tendencies can be corrected using electro-therapy – once their organizations have been shut down and property seized.
14. San Francisco Supervisor Dan White blamed Twinkies for murdering gay Supervisor, Harvey Milk and Mayor, George Moscone. It worked. Now a Catholic doctors’ association in Germany believes it can cure the sexual orientation of gays and lesbians with sugar pills. If you respond violently to such stupidity, blame it on the sugar pills.
15. Lie about your sexual orientation when giving blood. Screening of blood is either effective or not. If a celibate gay’s blood is more dangerous than that of sexually promiscuous heterosexual, the problem is in the screening process, not the orientation of the donor.
16. Until intelligent policy regarding blood donations is enacted, set up blood banks for gay blood only.
17. If you are HIV positive, feel free to engage in unprotected sex with pedophile priests and pastors. We have more than enough inventory from our recruiting from religious schools and the military without us having to house perverts cloaked in religion. That’s what the Catholic Church is for.
18. If you’re closeted, sexually active, married and are compromising the health of your spouse, become a Republican. (Oh, you already are.)
19. If you’re closeted and preaching against homosexuality as a member of a religious institution or as a politician, you may as well come out. The kids you’re sexting and hookers off whose ass cracks you’re snorting crystal meth, will ultimately expose you. But just be prepared to be sheltered by the Catholic Church or Evangelicals. We don’t want you.
20. Ensure that you preserve DNA samples to be used for cloning purposes if necessary.
21. Some are still attempting to define homosexuality as a disease. Let them move forward. Once passed in any region — local, state or federal — take full advantage of employment protection legislation and related compliance (including Medicaid and workers compensation). They can call us names but it’s going to cost them. Big.
22. When you travel, make sure you have glue and porno magazines. Using glue and gay sexual imagery is a great way to alleviate boredom and illustrate Leviticus in the bibles in your hotel room drawers. If you don’t have porn or glue, use Sharpies to express your interpretation. Even God’s been praying for a rewrite of that Book.
23. Sneak gay subtext into every book, movie, video game, TV show or other media that you have access to. Nothing like subliminal messaging to equate queerness with Godliness. (Don’t forget, they catch the obvious ones like Spongebob and Tinky Winky, but they’ll miss Bart or Freddie from Grand Theft Auto because they’re too well hidden).
24. Turn “Heather has a Mommy and a Daddy, But Don’t Blame it on Her” into a best seller.
25. Any literature or educational material in any school or public library must display warnings if they contain heterosexual content. No school plays or performances that depict heterosexuals as happy or well-adjusted will be tolerated.
26. Punish bullies who use anti-gay slurs by forcing them to wear “I’m Too Shit Scared to Bully Straight Children” T-shirts until they’ve been properly rehabilitated.
27. Hate Crime laws are just the beginning. Once those are passed either federally or in all 50 states, begin campaign to eliminate homophobia entirely.
28. Tithe. Make sure that gay representation permeates every level of governance.
29. Turn eradicating homophobia and encouraging the gay lifestyle from a cottage industry into a multi-billion dollar cash cow.
30. Like “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” thoughts or words equal conduct. Homophobic inclinations alone, even without any actions, should be criminal and punishable to the full extent of the law.
31. Hate Crime laws are just the beginning. Once those are passed either federally or in all 50 states, begin campaign to eliminate homophobia entirely.
32. Homophobia can be terrifying to vulnerable gay kids. Begin campaign to designate any group that funds, promotes, advocates, endorses, aligns with, or encourages homophobia as a terrorist organization.
33. Prohibit any organization that funds, promotes, advocates, endorses, aligns with, or encourages homophobia – either explicitly or implicitly – from using the term “family” in their name.
34. Bombard the Federal Communications Commission any time anything remotely offensive to gay people appears on the airwaves. Homophobia is indecent, and our children must be sheltered from it. They want to regulate decency. Let’s keep them really, really busy.
35. Help adults afflicted with incurable homophobia from having gay children to abuse by encouraging vasectomies and hysterectomies. Not only are they fabulously effective, they’re safer than condoms and abstinence!
36. “Ex-Gays” blame their same sex attraction on “daddy issues” as opposed to their gay denial. Using the techniques seen in Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange, “Ex-Gays” can be rehabilitated by being having their eyes pinned open and forced to watch Mel Gibson movies (for women) and Maggie Gallagher or Ann Coulter speeches (for men). “Ex-Gays” are forbidden from being rehabilitated before making “It Gets Worse” videos.
37. Advocate to have homophobia listed as a mental disorder, and to prohibit anyone afflicted with homophobia from raising or adopting children. This includes empowering the Child Services to remove children from homes they deem homophobic.
38. To prevent accidental pregnancies, no heterosexuals will be allowed to carry a fetus to term unless they’ve been given a license. In addition to child rearing, human rights and sexual orientation general knowledge, the license can only be issued if they’re friends with at least one transgender or drag queen, men know at least one Barbara Streisand song or showtune and women know the address of a Home Depot and own at least one pair of sensible shoes.
39. Heterosexual public displays of affection can be confusing for gay kids. There should be no hugging or physical touch between heterosexuals in public places. Brief handshakes or a brief affirmative hand on a shoulder is okay. (New York gays and lesbians are encouraged to visit parks with their families as often as possible. It keeps radical, insane preachers indoors and off the streets where they belong.)
40. Any homophobic persons, even former homophobes that have been rehabilitated, should be required to register using the same model as child molesters. There should be strict limitations pertaining to their proximity to any gay bars, clubs, gyms or institutions that are predominantly gay. Parents of gay children need to be aware of the dangers such individuals present, and should be aware of their presence in their neighborhoods.
41. Ensconce yourself in virulently homophobic organizations like the Boy Scouts, Southern Baptists, Focus on the Family, Family Research Council, or Concerned Women for America. The more indispensable homos they have in their fold, the more hypocritical their ultimate exposure. And feel free to go wild and have as much fun as possible. Any bad behavior, should you be caught, can simply be blamed on their organizations and expose them for the hypocrites they are.
42. Reclaim Jesus. He was a Jewish queer to begin with, and don’t let anyone forget it. Feel free to remind folk of David and Jonathan too.
43. For men – Now that we’ve tricked straight men into thinking they can get away with shaving their legs, donning hooped earrings and mascara, spray-tanning their bodies, drowning in cologne and powdering and bleaching their assholes — by claiming to be metrosexual — it’s okay to go back to looking, feeling and smelling like men. Our straight women friends will continue to want to hang with us, not only because we’re non-threatening, good listeners, but because we’re men.
44. Thwart fashion and style sense inclinations so that homophobes cannot separate you from straights. As unprecedented gays and lesbians are coming out in sports, the homophobes are already in panic mode. Make their nights sleepless, buy shares in sanofi-aventis (they developed Ambien) and give the profits to Planned Parenthood.
45. Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians etc. are fundamentally the same. Don’t pledge allegiance to any one party. Make all parties grovel for your vote, not take it for granted.
46. Pretend to support GLAAD or Human Rights Campaign. Their ineffectiveness helps disarm our enemies into thinking all we’re interested in doing is giving celebs awards for portraying characters without blatant stereotypes or groveling for crumbs from Democratic politicians.
47. Join the military and rise in the ranks (as has always been the case). When enough gay servicemembers come out en masse it will force the military to actually implement the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell repeal, and admit that probably 25% or more only happen to shoot straight.
48. Recruit straight men and women. We’re accused of it anyway, so we may as well give the accusation legs. And remember, when push comes to shove, a six-pack or a joint goes a long way.
49. If you’re gay men, give Concerned Women for America a raison d’être by fucking their husbands, sons and fathers. And of course, you lesbians will know exactly what to do with their daughters. The ones that aren’t already in your bed.
50. If accused of having a Gay Agenda, point to this page and warn them to get with the program, because it’s already happening.

CONTEXT

Certain so-called Christians, who would sooner stone Jesus to death than take heed of his caution, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” use homo-hatred as a scare tactic, and more importantly as a fundraising tool. As do some Orthodox Jews, who would have been happy to let certain wings of German concentration camps housing victims sporting pink triangles continue releasing Zyklon B. And of course Muslim extremists who stone homosexuals to death like they do their raped daughters, calling it “honor killing.”

A fusion of psycho-babble and political correctness on both sides has introduced terms like heternormalism, homodeviancy, and a slew of other ridiculous terms tossed about in frantic fundraising letters. Homosexuals are penetrating schools and the military and seek nothing less than the destruction of your family and rape of your children if one was to believe Tony Perkins, Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Gary Bauer, Lou Sheldon, Donald Wildmon, Phyllis Schlafly, Beverly LaHaye, and the ever expanding pool of shrieking, self-appointed moral guardians who spend more time thinking about gay sex than gays actually having it.

These bible-thumping idiots are being discredited on a daily basis by their own behavior. They’re former Republican Senator Larry Craig tap dancing in the stall at airport toilets. They’re former Republican representative Tom Foley sexting underage male interns. They’re George Alan Rekers, the hate group Family Research Council co-founder propagating anti-gay lies in books and courtrooms until he was caught with a young, virile man he was schlepping with him across Europe as a “luggage handler” that he picked up on rentboy.com. They’re Richard Cohen of the International Healing Foundation and author of “Coming Out Straight”, exporting dangerous lies to Uganda to support their “Kill the Gays” bill – a man about as straight as Richard Simmons, who is encouraging mass murder because his father, understandably, didn’t love him. The louder the anti-gay rhetoric, the more likely they are to have secrets and the clearer it seems that their hatred is deeply internalized.

If gay bashing, teen suicide and genuine attempts by politicians and the current slew of presidential candidates to actually amend America’s constitution to explicitly deny rights to homosexuals weren’t clear and present dangers, the notion of a “gay agenda” would be laughable. How strong can a marriage be – a supposedly sanctified institution – if two members of the same sex marrying will destroy it? How learned can a behavior be, if despite your best parenting efforts to instill heterosexuality onto your children, they can be so easily evangelized by radical homosexuals.

Despite the tongue-in-cheek nature of this piece, it can, and likely will, be taken out of context once again, and used destructively by bigots and homophobes with ill intentions.From the other side, I’ll be criticized for irresponsibly kindling the already raging fires by providing fresh fodder, as opposed to just blindly endorsing Obama 17 months before the election.

Concerned Women for America called me an obscene pornographer in one of their polemic press releases, J. Matt Barber, now Director of Cultural Affairs with Liberty Counsel and Associate Dean of Liberty University School of Law called me a noted activist and pornographer. So let me give them what they really want to hear from me. As if they need excuses.

In his book Marriage Under Fire, yet another “straight” man consumed with gay sex, James Dobson posits the theory that homosexuals don’t really want to get married, but in fact are plotting a 60 year conspiracy to destroy the family. Idiot. It’s a ten year plan!

Clinton Fein is an internationally acclaimed author, artist, and First Amendment activist, best-​known for his 1997 First Amendment Supreme Court victory against United States Attorney General Janet Reno. Fein has also gained international recognition for his Annoy​.com site, and for his work as a political artist. Fein is on the Board of Directors of the First Amendment Project, “a nonprofit advocacy organization dedicated to protecting and promoting freedom of information, expression, and petition.” Fein’s political and privacy activism have been widely covered around the world. His work also led him to be nominated for a 2001 PEN/Newman’s Own First Amendment Award.

(image, top, by Clinton Fein)