Chivas Sandage takes the readers of the New Civil Right Movement on a tour of an ascendantly queer America in 2013 post Barack Obama’s re-election
This is a guest post by Chivas Sandage, a new contributor to The New Civil Rights Movement.
My wife, daughter, and I were eating quesadillas while musing about future historians and how they’ll look back on the Republican Party’s opposition to our family structure when my teenager asked what superpower I’d choose if I could choose just one. I felt torn between going backward or forward in time, but later, as I drifted off to sleep, I wished to see the future and know just what President Obama’s second term and ultimate legacy will mean for my country—and family. As I fell into dream, I saw a tall, dark-cloaked figure whose face was concealed. A gaunt black hand emerged, pointing toward the bedroom window.
I recognized at once the Ghost of America Yet to Come. I looked into the window where that bony hand pointed. In the morning, I woke from what felt like one hundred years of dreaming in a single night. Dear reader, I feel pressed to report what I saw come to pass.
With Obama’s reelection, the Defense of Marriage Act became known as the Defense of Straight Supremacy Act (DOSSA) and was quickly dumped. Liberals throughout the nation celebrated. Christian fundamentalist protestors filled the streets but then retreated as gay orgies bloomed in broad daylight on every street in America. Heterosexual couples immediately felt the effects of DOSSA’s collapse and their marriages began to disintegrate with the sheer force of erotic energy in the air and water supply. Closeted homosexuals left their marriages in droves. Many heterosexuals divorced because the institution was no longer “sacred†now that they had to check the same box on forms as their LGBTQQIA colleagues and neighbors, not to mention family members they’d shunned or disowned.
Obama made the landmark decision to come out of the closet and announced that both he and Michelle were gay. Like so many, theirs was a marriage of convenience. While Democrats were disappointed to see the first family separate, no one was surprised. Finally, there was a politically correct explanation for Barack’s ability to dance and Michelle’s biceps. Barack became the first gay single father President and Michelle the first lesbian First Lady. After their divorce, Michelle and the girls (and Bo) continued to live in the White House while Barack rented a studio apartment a short commute away. Michelle eventually remarried Rachel Maddow and the first daughters had two moms. Barack remarried Chris Rock (after he also came out) and the first daughters had two dads.
As each year passed, Obama’s legacy ensured that the homosexual agenda to take over the nation and then the world gained momentum. Homosexuals entered a new era of enjoying basic human civil rights while wielding maximum political power. By coincidence, the Senate and Congress were both 100 percent gay when the United States of America was renamed the United States of Queerica.
When Obama passed the baton, he once again made history. A fat activist, Islamic Fundamentalist, Cadillac-driving welfare recipient who was equal parts African-American, Cuban, Vietnamese, Jewish, Palestinian, Native-American, Italian, and Unknown Origin who identified as a stone butch LGBTQQIA single mother of four children (from four sperm donors) became President of the United States of Queerica.
With the election of President Quintasia Hussein Minh Castro Mussolini Laughing-Fox,
With the passage of DOMA II, heterosexual marriage became illegal in the USQ. Marriages of sixty years or sixty minutes were annulled, leaving couples and their families in legal limbo. Formerly known as “spouses,†these pairs of unrelated individuals were awkwardly referred to as “friends.†Domestic partnership status was not an option under DOMA II and “friends†were not eligible to share each other’s health insurance benefits, had to file taxes as “single†and no longer qualified for lower rates. A “friend†in the ER or hospital was rarely allowed visits from non-family members—even if seriously ill, injured, or dying. In the event of death, a mourning “friend†was not eligible for the other’s social security benefits and was forced to pay estate taxes on the home they shared.
The military—which only allowed butch lesbians to serve in close-combat units—re-instituted “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell,†further oppressing opposite-sex military families who were suddenly forced to hide their relationships on paper and at the water cooler, on the street and at the military ball. Maiden names were reclaimed and wedding rings slid off. Even the youngest children of straight parents were taught not to talk about their parents, and if forced, to avoid using gender specific terms.
In the good old USQ, a handful of stubborn southern states refused to abide by the federally enforced straight marriage ban and so National Guard troops were sent to ensure compliance. Riots erupted and confederate flags reproduced like rabbits in mixed crowds with non-violent, placard carrying catholic priests marching in solidarity with gun-carrying, pro-secession rednecks, conservative upper middle-class corporate sector professionals, the Trumpsters (merchant protesters paid by the nearly dead Donald), and Mormon missionaries leading the way. The National Guard used tear gas and rubber bullets to disperse the crowds. Interestingly enough, Catholic nuns didn’t protest; they were focused on promoting the spread of communism in Queerica, which had smoothly transitioned to socialism by the end of Obama’s reign in the newly christened Black House. Coincidentally, Spanish became Queerica’s official language when all forms of protest became illegal.
Gay supremacy reigned supreme. The plight of heterosexual people was of little concern to the majority of Queericans who considered straight issues a diversion from more important debates such as whether to sell crack in public school vending machines. Liberals always found a way to either trivialize or demonize straight issues. Gay supremacists claimed that angry, activist heterosexuals were a danger to society and unfit to work with children in any capacity. In fact, “heterosexual†quickly became synonymous with “pedophile.â€
President Laughing-Fox refused to soften her stance against opposite-sex marriage. For many years, a few southern states allowed heterosexuals to have “Civil Unions†but this caused bitter disagreement across Queerica and created legal complications for these couples once they traveled across state lines. The media bombarded the public with slanted news stories, radio talk shows, and polls about whether straights should have marriage rights. Endless debates placed the personal lives and families of heterosexuals on public display 24/7. Those who voiced complaints were labeled as radicals.
Heterosexuals worked hard to pass for gay—adopting new names, styles, gaits, and mannerisms. In order to compete for jobs, many attended “polishing†schools where even the most stubborn straight men could be turned into divas. Straight men also learned the art of negotiating unwanted attention from hard-muscled gay men who took a fancy to them, finding that ever-delicate balance between massaging the male ego by acting appreciative while appearing not quite available yet to avoid inciting sexual harassment, rape, or other physical violence against themselves. Privileges that het men had always taken for granted—like walking down the street alone after dark—were no longer possible unless they had a stone butch bull dyke at their side when the low spark of high-heeled boys lit up the night.
The King Barack Bible traced humans back to the moment Ada and Eve took mutual responsibility for devouring a fig as part of an erotic pagan ritual. Moreover, every Disney princess fell in love with a drag queen or king. In time, it became common for an adult heterosexual to reach middle age or even go through an entire life without having ever kissed a person of the opposite sex.
At the end of the dream, I was watching a 4th of July parade on Main Street in Lubbock, Texas.  It could have been a New York City Pride parade from the early 21st century. There were marching bands with husky dykes carrying tubas and drums while the “girls†played their flutes. I gazed across the cheering, crowded streets filled with Queerican flag-waving comrades celebrating our new global role as ruler of The United Nations of Queerica. Most could not remember when straights had civil rights. In fact, most Queericans had never studied history—it was no longer taught in the schools. Instead, they studied Queerstory.
As always, the fags and a few token femmes stole the parade with their skimpy, gold-sequined leotards and shining batons. Yes, Lubbock was as Queerican as fig pie.
Images of the USA gay flag and gay pride ballon display, courtesy of photo bucket. Image of Donna Summer courtesy of Wikipedia.