Today’s Out October Project story comes from Woody Amidon, a man who was afraid to let all of his fraternity brothers see him for who he really was. Although afraid of the ridicule and the humiliation, he was able to find his strength and the courage to be honest and true to who he was, and to his friends. He was met with shocking support and lasting friendships. His story should shed light and hope onto the peoples’ lives who are still afraid to be who they really are.
When I entered college, not a single soul knew that I was gay. I was an athlete, in a fraternity, and acted just like any bro I hung out with. Hell, I wouldn’t believe that I liked guys myself. I felt that I could force myself to be straight. I would drink heavily and hooked up with a few girls (very unsuccessfully most of the time), but I would just blame it on the alcohol.
My sophomore year, I began to drink more and more and started becoming depressed every night that I returned home alone. I started to “give up” and knew that it seemed to become impossible for me to actually be straight. I retreated to myself and began to become isolated from those around me instead of reaching out and trying to find others that could help me, like my school’s gay and lesbian alliance. There was one guy in my fraternity that was out, but I was afraid of getting too close to him thinking that people would begin to suspect that I was gay for simply talking to him, so I kept my distance. I can even remember some of the things people said when he was pledging and I did not want that kind of treatment put on me.
At the end of my Sophomore year and the beginning of my Junior, Prop 8 was becoming more and more of an issue in California as the vote approached. The general consensus on my campus was against the measure but the loudest voices were the ones supporting it. Hearing those around me constantly saying how wrong being gay was and the hate I could see some people have, my depression only got worse. I began to hate myself and it was only getting harder to hide my emotions from others, especially when drinking.
I began to find comfort with talking with other gay people online. The people I met there were the first ones I was freely able to talk about my sexuality with; I felt free to be able to mention anything! I met one guy in particular that had many of the same interests as me and we hit it off. We flirted constantly and it made me start to feel good about myself again. We made plans to finally meet at an anti-Prop 8 rally a week before the vote so I secretly snuck out of my Fraternity house to meet him. I was so paranoid that my friends would find out where I was and tried to dodge the news cameras at the rally, just in case.
After hanging out with this guy a few times, we began dating. This was when my friends began to notice my disappearing act. I would leave the house for a whole night without telling anyone, multiple nights a week. Whenever someone would ask where I was going or where I had been lately, I would brush it off with a joke and change subjects. Rumors began to circulate that I was sleeping with a professor or that I had a drug problem. Strangely, none of the rumors involved me being gay.
After a few months of living two separate lives, my best friend saw an incoming text message from my boyfriend that said, “kissâ€. I played it off as a joke between me and a friend but I vowed that I needed to tell him the truth. That night was one of our fraternity theme parties, where I knew I’d be getting drunk that night so I decided I would get myself to tell him. After downing a good amount of beer, I realized that it was time to tell him, so I walked upstairs to his room, but he was hooking up with some girl. I mustered up all that strength to tell someone so I was determined to do it.
My friend Neil was sitting in his room across the hall so I go in and tell him that I had to tell him something. I shut the door and sit on his bed, and flat out tell him. He was cool about it but the next day I remembered how awkward it must have been for him. I was drunk, slurring all my words, and I come into his room announcing that I’m gay, all dressed as a “Barbeerian†from the theme party, which is a barbarian costume made completely out of beer boxes.
About 8 months went by and I told a few more people but by the time my one year anniversary with my boyfriend started to come around, he started getting restless that he could not be a part of my life, considering that I could count the amount of my friends that knew I was gay on one hand. So at one of my fraternity meetings, in a room full of over 90 restless bros, the President was wrapping up the meeting but I stood up, interrupted him, and told everyone I had one more thing to say. I said that they all had probably noticed that I was barely around anymore and constantly disappeared without mentioning where I was going or doing and that there were numerous rumors about my whereabouts. So I forced out the three words “I am gay†and quickly sat down, staring at the floor.
There was a pause for a few seconds as the shockwave hit everyone in the room and my head was about to explode from the anxiety of what was going to happen. How could they possibly react to hearing that? Would they tell me to leave? Would they awkwardly move on like nothing had happened? Would they say, “Duh!â€
Then thankfully someone snapped out of the silence and started clapping which got the whole room to applaud. After the meeting many brothers came up to me and congratulated me. I was legitimately surprised at many of them.
As a few days went by, the news spread throughout campus. There were only about 20 out guys on the whole campus and I was a very visible member of our community so everybody talked. Very few actually came up and talked to me directly but I could overhear conversations and saw peoples’ faces when I would walk by. I dealt with it and after a few weeks, the campus found something else to gossip about.
Hanging out with my friends was a little awkward at first because I was used to talking about chicks but I was able to transition over to my real self and not have to keep track of all the lies I was telling. At the end of that year, I was even able to bring my new boyfriend to our formal dance. He fit right in and all of my fraternity brothers and their dates loved him. It was that weekend where I finally felt the brotherhood that I was searching for since I first pledged that Fraternity four years earlier. They accepted me for who I was and loved me no matter what. Even though fraternities are stereotypically homophobic, my fraternity experience let me be more comfortable with who I am and made me stronger to stand up for myself. Without them, I could never have seen that strong of support from so many straight guys, and I will always be thankful for that.
Remember, there are always options.
The Trevor Project: a 24-hour hotline for gay and questioning youth: 866-4-U-TREVOR (488-7386)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-TALK (8255)