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Herman Cain, America’s Favorite New Bully



Barring a late entry by Zombie Reagan, it looks like we now have a final lineup of contestants for the 2012 cycle of So You Think You Can Beat Obama. Chris Christie, after spending weeks teasing dissatisfied Republicans to near climax by threatening to run for the nomination, has instead hopped the closest state funded helicopter and flown back to New Jersey, probably at taxpayer expense. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin dominated the news cycle for almost thirty whole minutes by announcing that she too would decline a presidential run, not because of the fact that the she’d have a better chance at winning a science fair than she would the presidency, but because, as she told Mark Levin, “Not being a candidate, really you are unshackled and you’re able to be even more active.” This is Mamma Grizzly talk for, “Running for president is hard and doesn’t pay well, and anyway I’d rather spend my days criticizing people and updating my Facebook status. Oh, and I’m doing YouTube now, cause on that you don’t even have to spellcheck.”

This leaves eight culture warriors vying to be the name plastered on all those poster board signs when the balloons drop in Tampa next August. Most of these people have no chance at all. We do not need to trouble ourselves with the notion of a Newt Gingrich Presidency. Michele Bachmann isn’t going to happen.

And then there is Jon Huntsman, who is is a somewhat reasonable man, stuck in a desperately crazy party. He is not horrible on gay rights, at least as far as Republicans go, but ultimately Jon Huntsman is the guy who has shown up at the costume party not wearing a costume. He stands out for looking so normal. You will not find any tri-cornered hats in this man’s closet, which is why his campaign is doomed. Rather than run for president, he should be put behind glass in a museum as an example of what Republicans looked like before The Republican Revolution made being an arrogant asshole cool again.


So now Herman Cain is a man of science. Evolution and climate change are liberal conspiracies, but on homosexuality, he’s all about the science.


No, this race has come down to three people. First, we have Rick Perry, who I believe to be a secretly brilliant performance artist disguised as a hopelessly confused cardboard caricature of a Republican candidate. And let’s not forget Mitt Romney, who would wear a party dress and give head on television if he thought it would get him elected president. Also, for some odd reason, Herman Cain.

Out of nowhere, the seemingly pointless vanity candidacy of Herman Cain has evolved into something of a legitimate threat, mostly because the ever baffling Rick Perry has already begun to implode, either because he is a terrible candidate, or because he is our generation’s Andy Kaufman. (It’s totally the second one. I just can’t prove it.) Regardless, it’s not working out, and Perry is collapsing in the polls. Rather than settle with Mitt Romney, who is despised by giant sections of the Republican party, they have decided to give a shot to the AAA player of the moment, Herman Cain. Maybe they think his 9-9-9 plan is clever marketing, despite the fact that it is outrageously stupid fiscal policy. (For more on this look, well, anywhere.)

What does this mean? Mostly that Herman Cain gets to be on TV a lot now. He’ll probably grace the cover of Time Magazine before too long, and for a few weeks we will have to pretend like he has a real shot. And who knows, he might. (Hint: He doesn’t.)

What we do get to be treated to is raw Herman Cain. More TV means more talking, which means more “straight talk,” or as everyone else calls it, “making amateurish campaign mistakes and other totally unforced errors because Herman Cain is in no way ready for all of this attention.”

This brings me to Joy Behar. While on his, “I really can’t believe I am relevant right now” national media tour he was asked by Joy Behar whether or not he thought that homosexuality was a choice. He replied with an unequivocal “Yes.” Then we got this:

“Well, you show me the science that it’s not and I’ll be persuaded. Right now it’s my opinion against the opinions of others who feel differently. That’s just a difference of opinions.”

Oh so now Herman Cain is a man of science. Evolution and climate change are liberal conspiracies, but on this issue, he’s all about the data.

Fine then. If all it takes is a little hard evidence, then how about this or this? If that’s not to your liking, then what about this, this, or this?

Or perhaps this statement from the American Medical Association will be sufficient. It says that:

(The AMA) opposes, the use of “reparative” or “conversion” therapy that is based upon the assumption that homosexuality per se is a mental disorder or based upon the a priori assumption that the patient should change his/her homosexual orientation.

I bet none of this is enough for Herman Cain. He is a liar, and his views have nothing to do with science. This is about something else altogether. You see, this is not the first time Scientist Herman Cain has weighed in on the subject of homosexuality as a choice, though this time, it’s not the science of the matter that has him convinced. From CBS News:

“I believe homosexuality is a sin because I’m a Bible-believing Christian, I believe it’s a sin,” he said. “But I know that some people make that choice. That’s their choice.”

Cain was asked: “So you believe it’s a choice?”

“I believe it is a choice,” he responded.

Well that doesn’t sound like a very scientific rationale. Which is it Herman Cain? Is it because you don’t find the science convincing, or because the Bible says so? You can’t have both. Well you can, but it makes you a poor scientist and an even worse “Bible-beliving” Christian.

And why would this matter anyway?

I suppose, for him and people like him, convincing themselves that homosexuality is a choice makes it easier to support Constitutional amendments denying LGBT people marriage equality, to pursue the reinstatement of DADT, and to veto the Employment Non-Discrimination Act.

Let’s just break that down. Pretend for a moment that being gay is a choice. Herman Cain is saying that if you elect homosexuality, you should be kicked out of the Army, fired, and denied access to the legal protections necessary to form a family with the person of your choice. Because of Jesus, apparently. It’s okay to defame, demean, and devalue an entire class of people if you don’t agree with their choices. That doesn’t make you righteous, it makes you an awful person.

But of course, being gay is obviously not a choice. Here is a fun rule: If you can “choose” to be gay, and then “choose” to be straight, then you are bisexual. I suspect none of the people using the “choice” rationale actually believe it. It’s just something they say so they can publicly justify their despicable behavior toward LGBT people. It’s the cover bullies use so they can sleep at night.

No, Herman Cain doesn’t like gay people, and doesn’t want to be forced to live in a world where it’s unacceptable to be nasty to them. This is what conservatives are talking about when they express fears of homosexual “normalization.”

That, or he is suggesting that everyone is bi. If so, that sort of brings a new meaning to “The Cain Train.” Maybe I’m in for a ticket after all.


Benjamin Phillips is a Humor Writer, Web Developer, Civics Nerd, and all around crank that spends entirely too much time shouting with deep exasperation at the television, especially whenever cable news is on. He lives in St. Louis, MO and spends most of his time staring at various LCD screens, occasionally taking walks in the park whenever his boyfriend becomes sufficiently convinced that Benjamin is becoming a reclusive hermit person. He is available for children’s parties, provided that those children are entertained by hearing a complete windbag talk for two hours about the importance of science education, or worse yet, poorly researched anecdotes PROVING that James Buchanan was totally gay. If civilization were to collapse due to zombie hoards or nuclear holocaust, Benjamin would be among the first to die as he has no useful skills of any kind. The post-apocalyptic hellscape has no real need for homosexual computer programmers who can name all the presidents in order, as well as the actors who have played all eleven incarnations of Doctor Who.


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Fox News Host Suggests Trump ‘Force’ Court to Throw Him in Jail – by Quoting Him



The Fox News host who targeted a juror serving on Donald Trump’s criminal New York trial is now suggesting the ex-president should violate his gag order and “force” the court to throw him in jail, by quoting the Fox News host.

Jesse Watters came under fire earlier this week for profiling juror number two, sharing possibly identifying information published by a myriad of reporters but then using that information to pass judgment on her ability to serve.

“I’m not so sure about juror number two,” Watters concluded on Fox News.

Jurors, at the judge’s direction, were to remain anonymous, for their protection and the protection of the trial.

The judge excused her, after she said she felt she was not able to be impartial because friends and family were calling her asking if she had been chosen to serve on the Trump trial, after the media blitz.

New York Supreme Court Judge Juan Merchan admonished the press for reporting the information, but some news outlets appeared to ignore his warning.

Watters on Wednesday “did a segment with a jury consultant, revealing details about people who had been seated on the jury and questioning whether some were ‘stealth liberals’ who would be out to convict Trump,” the Associated Press reported.

READ MORE: Gaetz: ‘Corrupt’ Republicans Could ‘Take a Bribe’ and Throw House to Dems, Blocking Trump Run

Trump later posted Watters’ quote on his Truth Social platform, leading some, including New York prosecutors, to ask the judge to cite him for allegedly breaking his gag order.

Judge Merchan ordered Trump to not mention witnesses, jurors, prosecutors, court staff, or the family members of prosecutors and court staff, CNN has reported.

New York prosecutors told Juge Merchan Trump has violated the gag order at least ten times.

“Prosecutor Christopher Conroy described the ‘most disturbing’ example as a social media message Trump posted on Wednesday evening quoting a Fox News host as saying, ‘They are catching undercover Liberal Activists lying to the Judge in order to get on the Trump Jury,'” Politico reports.

That host was Jesse Watters.

RELATED: ‘Afraid and Intimidated’: Trump Trial Juror Targeted by Fox News Dismissed

Friday afternoon, Watters appeared to egg Trump on, urging the ex-president to violate the gag order.

“I would make them put me in jail,” Watters said on Fox News. “I would have a tweet about something perhaps I said on ‘The Five’ or ‘Jesse Watters Primetime,’ and I would force them to throw me in jail.”

Watch Watters’ remark below or at this link.


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Gaetz: ‘Corrupt’ Republicans Could ‘Take a Bribe’ and Throw House to Dems, Blocking Trump Run



U.S. Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) says some of his fellow House Republicans would “take a bribe” to throw the razor-thin GOP majority to the Democrats if a far-right faction calls up a motion to oust Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, allowing Democrats to hand the gavel to the Minority Leader, Hakeem Jeffries. he warned if that happens, Democrats would immediately declare Trump ineligible to be President, pack the U.S. Supreme Court, and pass numerous laws like the American Rescue Plan.

“I do believe in a one seat majority there could be one or two or three of my colleagues who would take a bribe in one form or another in order to deprive the Republicans of a majority at all,” Gaetz said Friday on his podcast (video below.)

He added, “the risk that one or two of my corrupt Republican colleagues might take a bribe, take a walk, feign an ailment and flip this thing to the Democrats is a risk that is too high for me at this time.”

Gaetz’s fellow far-right Florida Republican member of Congress, Anna Paulina Luna, told listeners, “I heard that when, if and when the motion vacate is introduced, that there will be immediate resignations of a couple of more moderate members of Congress. And in the event that that happens, that ultimately means it does go to a Democrat speaker.”

RELATED: Jeffries Vows Democrats Will Ensure Ukraine Aid Passes as Johnson Defectors Grow

U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) last month filed a “motion to vacate,” which she can use at any time to force a vote to oust the GOP Speaker, Mike Johnson. U.S. Rep. Tim Massie (R-KY) and just today, U.S. Rep. Paul Gosar (R-AZ) has signed on as co-sponsors.

Congressman Gaetz told listeners if Democrats do take the House through a force vote to remove Johnson, Democrats would “be declaring Donald Trump an insurrectionist and setting up a barrier to him being able to become the president United States.”

“That’ll be their leadoff hitter, and then the chaser to that shot will be a massive spending package that looks a lot more like the American Rescue Plan. They will blow past every concept of every cap ever imagined. You’ll be looking at Universal Basic Income, you could be looking at packing the Supreme Court.”

Watch a short clip of Gaetz’s remarks below or at this link.

READ MORE: ‘Stop Bringing Up Nazis and Hitler’: Marjorie Taylor Greene Smacked Down by Democrats

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Jeffries Vows Democrats Will Ensure Ukraine Aid Passes as Johnson Defectors Grow



Democratic House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries vowed Friday the majority of Democrats will support Republicans’ Ukraine, Israel, Taiwan, and Gaza foreign aid legislation as Republican Speaker Mike Johnson lost support of another member of his conference to a faction determined to oust him.

“Democrats will provide a majority of our majority as it relates to funding Israel, humanitarian assistance, Ukraine, and our allies in the Indo Pacific,” Minority Leader Jeffries said. “It remains to be seen what Republicans will do in terms of meeting the national security needs of the American people, but it was important for House Democrats to ensure that the national security bills are going to be considered.”

Despite Republicans having a one-vote majority, more Democrats on Friday voted to move the critical and long-awaited foreign aid bills forward than did Republicans.

READ MORE: ‘Stop Bringing Up Nazis and Hitler’: Marjorie Taylor Greene Smacked Down by Democrats

The 316-94 vote included 165 Democrats and 151 Republicans voting yes, and 55 Republicans and 39 Democrats voting no.

Axios’ Juliegrace Brufke posted the list of Republicans voting against their party’s legislation.

Calling it a “rare” moment in modern congressional history to have to rely on opposition party votes to pass legislation, BBC News reports Speaker Johnson’s “hold on power is tenuous, and the legislators who oppose him – and his bid to provide aid to Ukraine – occupy some key positions within the House’s power structure.”

Amid the procedural vote to move the foreign aid funding bills forward, U.S. Rep. Paul Gosar, a far-right Republican of Arizona, announced he is joining Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA), and Congressman Tim Massie (R-KY) in formally announcing their will vote to oust Speaker Johnson.

Gosar, like Greene, is reportedly a Christian nationalist. In 2022 CNN reported his “lengthy ties to White nationalists, [a] pro-Nazi blogger and far-right fringe received little pushback for years.”

RELATED: ‘Repercussions’: Democrats and Republicans Stand Against ‘Pro-Putin’ House GOP Faction

“We’ve been very honest in our assessment of the situation from the beginning,” Jeffries on Friday also declared. “At the appropriate time as House Democrats, we will have a conversation about how to deal with any hypothetical motion to vacate.”

“Moscow Marjorie Taylor Greene, Massie, and Gosar are quite a group. But central to our conversation is to make sure that the national security legislation in totality is passed by the House of Representatives.”

Watch the videos above or at this link.


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