Guest author William Feldman imagines President Donald Trump delivering the Gettysburg Address…
Some number of years ago, our forefathers finished writing the Constitution, which, maybe you don’t know, a lot of people don’t know this, created the Electoral College, which is very biased against Republicans but that’s OK I won anyway, huge margin, and the Democrats still can’t get over it.
So they’re writing the Constitution in Philadelphia – people don’t think about this but it’s right here in Pennsylvania, which by the way I won and nobody expected me to, even that loser Buchanan who is from here didn’t win it, I mean, come on! Anyway you know what they say about Buchanan and his “friend” – they call the guy “Aunt Fancy,” can you believe it? — I won’t say it here, but you know what I’m talking about. A disgrace.
So, OK, in Philadelphia, they wrote into the Constitution that all men are created equal, which is kind of interesting when you think about it, because that didn’t include women and of course the slaves.
So they say this ended up causing the Civil War, which is crazy. People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, if you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question, but why is there this Civil War? Why could this not have been worked out? I think Andy Jackson could have worked it out. I could have worked it out if I’d been elected sooner. But this Buchanan, very low energy, does nothing, the guy can’t make up his mind.
So there was this huge battle here, which makes absolutely no sense because Gettysburg is what, a tiny town? How many people here? Why fight over this shithole town? Honestly it makes no sense to me. So afterward the place is a mess, bodies everywhere, and I said “get these sons of bitches off the field” so we can make a nice park. And here we are and the field is beautiful now, almost as beautiful as my golf courses, I think I see a few members here. Have you been to Trump National? You have to see it.
So today we’ll have this little dedication ceremony. But what do they mean dedicate? What is there to dedicate? I mean they’re dead already. But at least they weren’t captured — I like people who weren’t captured, OK? But it’s important to remember there were good people on both sides.
So as I said, nobody really knows why there is this Civil War. I met this guy on the train coming up here – the poor guy, you gotta see this guy, skinny, ugly, ridiculous hat. Writing on an envelope. Tells me he wants to run for president, and I’m looking at this guy and thinking, would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?
Anyway, he comes up to me and says – get this – the war is to preserve government “of the people, by the people, and for the people.” What the hell does that mean? Who knows what that means? Nobody. Honestly, I think the guy is retarded.
You know why they were fighting? To make America great again, that’s why, believe me. To make America great again.
Thank you, and God Bless America.
Image by DonkeyHotey via Flickr and a CC license
(c) William Feldman, 2018. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.