White Man’s Bike Gets Stolen — So Thief Must Have Been Black!

Daily Caller writer Mark Judge tried really hard to be John Derbyshire, but just didn’t have the depth of thought to be a virulent racist, so he settled for this…

A Washington, D.C. writer for Tucker Carlson‘s The Daily Caller today laments that his bike was stolen, and — although he has absolutely no proof whatsoever — the thief must have been a black person. Mark Judge posted today “The end of my white guilt,” in which he details his awesome deductive reasoning that leads him to believe that not only was his bicycle stolen by a black person, but that theft now leaves him free to be a racist without having to worry about being a racist.

Since I refuse to give Judge or the Daily Caller any traffic for this obnoxious screed, here’s Gawker’s take:

Mark Judge is a white guy. He lives in DC. He had a bike. A few days ago, his bike was stolen. He doesn’t know who stole his bike. But the theft of his bike does have a silver lining: it has freed Mark Judge to be a racist, from now on. Huzzah!

Mark Judge’s bike was stolen in the Brookland neighborhood. He has used his detective skills in the following manner. Please follow closely:

I could be pretty certain that on Good Friday a member of the Little Sisters of the Poor, which is across the street from where I was parked, had not nicked my bike. Neither had the monks at the Dominican House of Studies on the corner. The students at Catholic University were on Easter break. That left the neighborhoods around the university. Since the time I was an undergrad at Catholic University in the 1980s, most of the crime that has occurred on campus has come from those neighborhoods, which are predominately black. As sure as it took the D.C. cops forever to get to the parking lot to file a report, I knew that the odds were very high that a black person had taken my bike

So: Mark Judge does not have any idea who stole his bike. HOWEVER: he’s pretty sure it was “a black person.” Two things:

1. He does not know if it was a black person.
2. Even if it was “a black person,” so? This is akin to saying, “My bike was stolen in Ecuador. I knew that the odds were very high that an Ecuadorean stole my bike.”

And then, you see, Mark Judge had himself a revelation: white guilt is ridiculous! This is, verbatim, what “white guilt” meant to Mark Judge: “It meant leaving valuable things like a bike in a vulnerable position in a black part of town because you didn’t want to admit that the crime is worse in poor black neighborhoods.”

Oh, Mark. You’re mixing up “white guilt” and “being dumb.” What part of DC is so white and safe that you can leave your bike in “a vulnerable position?” None. Because it would be vulnerable then, you see, by definition.

Welcome to post-racial America.

Alex Pareene at Salon wrote:

Who is Mark Judge? He is some guy writing an opinion column for Tucker Carlson’s online magazine, “Assumption of Trayvon Martin’s Guilt Illustrated.” (He is also the author of some awful-sounding book about being a right-wing Catholic who likes rock and roll music, and he once wrote an unintentionally funny review of John McWhorter’s book about hip hop.)

…

It actually gets dumber from there — on page two he excitedly recounts the time universally loathed asshole Piers Morgan totally told off Toure — but long story short Mr. Judge has decided that “black pain is no different than white pain” and so therefore Soledad O’Brien (??) should stop complaining. After all, the black person who may have stolen his bike may also have “a car, a nice apartment, a hot girlfriend and good health.”

By the way, in case you don’t (why would you) know Mark Judge, back in February he wrote that “anyone who claims that a balanced budget is good economics or that there are physiological differences between men and women is stamped a Nazi.”

Perhaps the greatest single piece of sociological, cultural and political legerdemain in the last 40 years has been liberals convincing the country that they have not moved left since John Kennedy’s death. Despite George McGovern, Roe v. Wade, the welfare state, gay marriage and now the Obama attack on religion, liberals have managed to present themselves as the voices of reason in a country gone crazily right wing. And the more liberals move left, the more hysterical their rhetoric about the right grows. At this point, anyone who claims that a balanced budget is good economics or that there are physiological differences between men and women is stamped a Nazi.

And no, the Daily Caller is not like a conservative version of The Onion.

At least the National Review had the good sense to fire John Derbyshire.