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The Ballad Of John Edwards



I never really liked John Edwards. Long before the world came to know Senator Edwards for the craven, corrupt, philandering narcissist that he is, there was something about him that rubbed me the wrong way. There was always a little too much Billy Flynn in Edwards. With his much too easy smile, and his borrowed Clintonian “I feel your pain” brow furrowing, his voice alternating between a nearly choked up empathic southern drawl and the sort of fiery oratorical cadence normally reserved for labor organizers in movies, something about John Edwards struck me as smarmy. He was too good looking, too prepared, too polished.

If John Edwards were a fictional character in a movie about the rise and fall of a charismatic politician from South Carolina, the actor they would hire to play the role would look and talk exactly like John Edwards. This is probably why I was in no way surprised to learn about the secret girlfriend, or the secret girlfriend’s secret love child, or the secret slush fund that was set up to pay for the secret girlfriend and the secret love child. Part of me was just happy to know that it was mere adultery and corruption at the heart of the scandal, and not some Ted Bundy-esque string of depraved of serial murders. Nothing would have surprised me. Of any politician I like to ask myself, “If this person hit a jogger with his car out on a lonely country road in the middle of the night, would they run off, or call the authorities?” John Edwards seemed like a runner.

The younger or blissfully uninformed may be unaware of exactly who I am talking about, and where this smiling hairdo in an expensive suit came from. As you will no doubt learn in the first 30 or 40 seconds of any speech he has ever given in his entire life, Johnny Reid Edwards was born the son of a mIll worker father and postal carrier mother. Also, he as a nickname as a legal first name, and that is a pet peeve of mine. I’m already not amused by the John Edwards story.

After the obligatory hardscrabble upbringing and plucky first-person-in-the-family-that-went-to-college trip through law school, John Edwards became a trial lawyer. In 1998 he won a Senate seat, and was a pretty standard Senator for a while. He started showing up on everyone’s VP shortlists as early as 2000, eventually joining the Democratic national ticket in 2004 with John Kerry, the world’s first entirely cybernetic presidential candidate. (Spoiler: They lost.)

John Kerry hadn’t even conceded to Yosemite Sam before John Edwards was planning his 2008 run. The man practically lived in Iowa before the 2008 caucus, and had things gone differently for Obama there, he probably would have won. There are several scenarios that exist that could have put John Edwards on the 2008 ticket. I find that prospect, even today, truly, truly terrifying.

The Edwards undoing came about as a result of an affair with a woman named Rielle Hunter, a free spirited (nutty), actress, videographer and equestrian, who previous to meeting John Edwards was primarily known as the coke fueled party girl inspiration for Alison Poole, the main character in Jay McInerney’s. novel “Bright Lights, Big City,” and as the daughter of famed horse murderer James Druck. Quickly, on the horse thing:

Her father, the late James Druck, once paid a hit man to kill her prize horse, Henry the Hawk, by rigging wires to electrocute the animal by attaching electrical wires to its ear and rectum, according to an account told to Sports Illustrated in 1992 by horse killer Tommy Burns.

What could possibly go wrong.

Hunter met Edwards during the 2008 campaign and was hired to shoot campaign videos, by which I mean she immediately started having an affair with John Edwards. She would later take this love of photojournalism to a new level by reportedly videotaping herself having sex with Senator Edwards. The tape was to be destroyed by court order, which is a shame. I really wanted to see if he keeps that idiotic smile on his face while he is having sex. Does his hair move? Only the tape would have told us that. Plus, sex tapes can sometimes lead to career resurgences. Look at that Kardashian girl.


Imagine that moment. John Edwards, alone, pushing against a public bathroom door with the weight of his body, trying desperately to forestall what was at that point inevitable. Running into a public toilet while being chased by reporters is not a strategy. That is raw panic. I picture him standing there, freaking out, knowing on some level that this is it.


Political figures cheating on their trophy wives is nothing new. In normal circumstances, if two consenting adults wish to fornicate like ecstasy addled ravers at every 5 star hotel in the continental United States, they shouldn’t count me among those pointing fingers and passing judgment. I was a Clinton supporter after all. Even the fact that he was carrying on this affair while his wife was dying from cancer, or that he fathered a love child with Hunter that he denied paternity of for months (talk about an awkward fathers day), isn’t really an issue for me, mostly because I am not Elizabeth Edwards or any of the Edwards children, so I don’t really get a vote. That is between John Edwards, the late Elizabeth Edwards, their children, Rielle Hunter, and the aforementioned infant by-product. On the scale of horrible ordeals a politician can put his family though, this is a doozy, but is by no means the worst. John Edwards seems like a terrible human being, and his poorly concealed sexual escapades make him an abhorrent husband and father, but those dalliances alone do not disqualify him to hold office.

How then did the affable high school football star turned progressive crusading trial lawyer morph into the sort of person who would misuse campaign funds in order to bang his videographer while his wife undergoes cancer treatments? The answer is shockingly simple. Someone gave him the slightest opportunity to. In “Game Change,” Mark Halprin and John Heilemann’s blockbuster biography of the 2008 campaign, the authors dig into this question with some depth.

Many of his friends started noticing a change—the arrival of what one of his aides referred to as “the ego monster”—after he was nearly chosen by Al Gore to be his running mate in 2000: the sudden interest in superficial stuff to which Edwards had been oblivious before, from the labels on his clothes to the size of his entourage. But the real transformation occurred in the 2004 race, and especially during the general election. Edwards reveled in being inside the bubble: the Secret Service, the chartered jet, the press pack, the swarm of factotums catering to his every whim. And the crowds! The ovations! The adoration! He ate it up. In the old days, when his aides asked how a rally had gone, he would roll his eyes and self-mockingly say, “Oh, they love me.” Now he would bound down from the stage beaming and exclaim, without the slightest shred of irony, “They looooove me!”

Once Edwards had been warm and considerate with his staffers; now he was disdainful, ignoring them, dismissing their ideas, demanding that they perform the most menial of tasks. He made his schedulers find out what movies were available on different flights so he could decide which ones to take. He would fly only first class or on private planes he cadged from donors.

As Edwards’s mistreatment of his staff and supporters got worse through 2005, aides interceded, trying to set him straight. “You can’t talk to people that way,” Hickman scolded him after one off-putting display. People are attracted to the nice John Edwards, and for a lot of them, you’re not that John Edwards anymore.

Edwards bridled at the criticism. “I don’t know where that’s coming from,” he snapped.

By the time the human ego has enlarged to the density and size described by Halprin and Heilemann, only the force of a massive, earth shattering scandal can work to deflate it. I call this “Pulling a Blagojevich.”

As endeavors built on hubris and powered by ego and ambition so frequently do, the John Edwards campaign began to collapse in spectacular and awe inspiring splendor. Now that the National Enquirer had broken the story, once again frustrating the civilized news industry by being irritatingly right about something, John Edwards was on the run. Literally. From Newsweek:

When the elevator doors opened early that July morning, the reporter who spoke to Edwards had five other Enquirer reporters and photographers behind him. And then Edwards ran. He simply took off, sprinting through the hotel lobby searching for a way out. The man who campaigned on restoring America’s moral leadership then ran into the public men’s room. As Edwards crashed into the bathroom, the reporters tried to follow. But Edwards pushed the door shut, throwing his weight against it to keep out the reporters.

That image, right there, is the one that sticks out most in my mind. It is a remarkable piece of history, and is easily one of the most compelling human moments in modern political history. I believe that to be the exact moment John Edwards knew for sure that he was ruined. Oh sure, the denials, the spouse reactions, the string of salacious revelations, all of that was still to come. When we found out that he was having an aid claim paternity for his secret baby, that was news to us, but it wasn’t to John Edwards. He knew about everything he had done, knew he was making mistakes as he was making them, and probably thought he wouldn’t get caught.

Imagine that moment. John Edwards, alone, pushing against a public bathroom door with the weight of his body, trying desperately to forestall what was at that point inevitable. Running into a public toilet while being chased by reporters is not a strategy. That is raw panic. I picture him standing there, freaking out, knowing on some level that this is it. The John Edwards that leaves the bathroom is an entirely different creature than the one who entered it. What could have been happening in his mind? I honestly have no idea. What does a person do when faced with complete professional and personal ruin, and worse yet, how do they deal with the fact that the carnage is entirely their own fault? I honestly do know how someone’s psyche survives a transition like that, on that sort of scale. Perhaps John Edwards could find some comfort in the later successes of Richard Nixon, who managed to turn the lemons of impeachable High Crime and Misdemeanors into the lemonade of not being hated by 100% of the population. Not the sweetest lemonade ever, but better than going to jail for corruption. No lemons in prison.

Oddly, that is where things might be headed for John Edwards. As it turns out, knowingly misappropriating campaign funds in order to hide your secret girlfriend and your secret girlfriends love child is pretty illegal. Up till now, this is a tragic story of ego and the lure of power and it’s blonde equestrian trappings. Fantastic trivia, but fairly unimportant. John Edwards sounds like a pretty awful guy, and even worse husband. I am really, really glad we didn’t nominate him, and I’m glad to have him out of the party. What he does with his genitals remains none of my business. Until the day that you start to tell me what to do with my penis, I don’t care what you do with yours.

It’s the corruption I’m alarmed by. I am a stickler for details when it comes to stuff like this. In my mind, corruption is one small step below treason. Knowingly break campaign finance law? I don’t care why you did it. You belong in jail. If John Edwards took campaign money and used it to illegally cover up an affair, then he is a despicable criminal. At the same time, if he took the money and used it to purchase vintage Partridge Family memorabilia, I would be exactly the same amount of upset. Corruption is corruption is corruption. This subject is entirely apolitical. If Obama were to take even the slightest bribe, as much as I like him, I will need to see him driven from his office in handcuffs before I am satisfied. These people are stewards of the public trust. If we can’t trust them, the entire system breaks down. John Edwards was indicted on six felony counts, four for illegal campaign contributions, one for making false statements, and one for conspiracy. If he is guilty, I would like to see him go to jail for whatever the maximum penalty is. I want politicians positively terrified of corruption. Should the concept of corruption even come up in casual conversation, I want the elected official in question to get the feeling that John Edwards had in his chest while he was locked in that bathroom.

Ole’ Good Time Johnny is probably ashamed of his behavior on the campaign trail and the way he treated his wife and family, as he should be, but he should be far more ashamed by the behavior he is currently on trial for. That is what turned crimes against his family into crimes against democracy. And to you politicians out there: If we have learned nothing else from this and other such scandals, let it be that the while temptation of a little harmless road strange is likely irresistible to those among you possessed by the Edwards Ego Monster, it will always be a better idea to simply beat off and go to bed early. Also, keep away from sending pictures of your penis to people. Just ask Anthony Weiner.


Image of John Edwards by DonkeyHotey

Benjamin Phillips is a Humor Writer, Web Developer, Civics Nerd, and all around crank that spends entirely too much time shouting with deep exasperation at the television, especially whenever cable news is on. He lives in St. Louis, MO and spends most of his time staring at various LCD screens, occasionally taking walks in the park whenever his boyfriend becomes sufficiently convinced that Benjamin is becoming a reclusive hermit person. He is available for children’s parties, provided that those children are entertained by hearing a complete windbag talk for two hours about the importance of science education, or worse yet, poorly researched anecdotes PROVING that James Buchanan was totally gay. If civilization were to collapse due to zombie hoards or nuclear holocaust, Benjamin would be among the first to die as he has no useful skills of any kind. The post-apocalyptic hellscape has no real need for homosexual computer programmers who can name all the presidents in order, as well as the actors who have played all eleven incarnations of Doctor Who.

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Rick Scott’s IVF Pledge Using His Own Grandkids Slammed as ‘Lie’ by Democrats



U.S. Senator Rick Scott (R-FL), running for re-election and running to replace Mitch McConnell as Senate Republican Leader, has put out a new seven-figure ad that uses his children and grandchildren as he pledges to protect in-vitro fertilization (IVF), but Democrats in the Sunshine State are accusing him of lying.

“My wife Ann and I have two daughters and seven perfect grandkids. Each is a precious gift from God. But sometimes families need help. Millions of babies have come into this world from IVF, in-vitro fertilization. In fact, our youngest daughter’s receiving an IVF treatment right now, hoping to expand her family. She and I both agree IVF must be protected. For our family, for every family,” Senator Scott says in his latest ad he’s also posted to social media (below).

Democrats are calling Sen. Scott out for what they say is a lie.

On Thursday, Scott voted against the Right to IVF Act, Democratic legislation sponsored by U.S. Senator Tammy Duckworth (D-IL), who blasted him on Friday: “You literally voted against my bill to protect IVF yesterday.”

READ MORE: Right Wing Justices Rule Ban on Gun Accessory Used in Major Mass Shooting Unlawful

On Thursday, Senate Republicans blocked Duckworth’s bill in a 48-47 vote. Only two Republicans, Senators Lisa Murkowski and Susan Collins voted with Democrats for the legislation.

“Rick Scott voted against protecting access to IVF — a miracle treatment that has allowed millions of Americans to start families,” Florida Democratic Party Chair Nikki Fried said in a statement that also includes his voting record and statements on IVF and other issues including abortion. “Scott has made it crystal clear that he will stop at nothing to rip away personal decisions from women and their families — and it will cost him his Senate seat.”

“Scott previously blocked legislation to protect IVF treatment that was introduced in response to the Alabama Supreme Court ruling that stored embryos have the same legal protections as children,” the Florida Democratic Party statement also reads. “Scott is now trying to cover up his anti-IVF record by touting an ’empty, symbolic’ resolution that would do nothing to actually protect IVF and spending millions to lie to Floridians about his phony support for IVF.”

The Florida Phoenix last week reported, “Scott, a Republican, will likely face former South Florida Democratic U.S. Rep. Debbie Mucarsel-Powell in November. Both candidates must get through their respective party primary elections in August.”

READ MORE: ‘Pyongyang in the Rotunda’: GOP Red Carpet Rollout for Trump’s DC Trip Likened to North Korea

“Mucarsel-Powell has been relentless in criticizing Scott’s record on abortion rights. Last week, her campaign issued a statement noting that the Scott had received an “A+” rating from Students for Life Action, an anti-abortion organization that opposes IVF.”

Political consultant Dana Houle observed, “If you’re running ads trying to convince people you’re not opposed to IVF (which in effect he is, since he voted against protecting it) you’re in pretty big trouble. It’s crazy to think that it’s likely that one of the decisive events of the 2024 campaign occurred in Alabama.”

That also appears to be the position of Florida Democratic Party executive director Phillip Jerez, who responded to Scott’s ad by asking, “Didn’t you vote AGAINST the IVF bill in the Senate yesterday?”

“Rick Scott is now putting up this 7-figure ad because he needs to work OVERTIME to lie to Floridians,” Jerez added. “He’s never won an election by more than 1% and never in a presidential year. Rick Scott is in trouble.”

David Simon, the well-known author, journalist, and screenwriter known for his colorful language, also responded to Sen. Scott: “Shitheel, you voted against the bill to protect IVF and then ran out to tweet this horseshit the next day. Even by our American standards of grifting, empty political hacks, this is wondrous.”

See Sen. Scott’s ad above or at this link.

RELATED: GOP Will Ban IVF if Trump Wins After Southern Baptists Condemnation: Expert

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Right Wing Justices Rule Ban on Gun Accessory Used in Major Mass Shooting Unlawful



In a 6-3 decision along partisan lines, right-wing justices on the U.S. Supreme Court ruled a bump stock, an accessory used in America’s most-deadly mass shooting, that effectively turns an AR-15 into a machine gun, cannot be regulated under current law. Justice Clarence Thomas authored the majority opinion. The device is so dramatically lethal pro-gun President Donald Trump banned it in 2018.

“The Supreme Court just effectively legalized machine guns,” is the headline of Ian Millhiser’s report at Vox. He says Friday’s ruling “effectively legalizes civilian ownership of automatic weapons.”

“Bump stocks increase an AR-15’s rate of fire from 180 rounds per minute to 400-800 rounds per minute,” explained Slate’s Mark Joseph Stern, in response to Friday’s Supreme Court ruling. “They inflict mass carnage by allowing the gunman to shoot automatically, without pulling the trigger. Yet the Supreme Court declares that they do not create a ‘machinegun.’ ”

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Legal and gun experts might delve in to the mechanics of what makes a gun a gun, what makes a machine gun a machine gun, add in the conservative justices’ “textualism” and “originalism” theories where words are supposed to only mean what they meant when the Constitution, or, in this case, a law was written, but as Stern and Aaron Fritschner, the deputy chief of staff for a Democratic U.S. Congressman discussed (social media post below), the Supreme Court appears, they say, to have interpreted the plain language of words differently than their plain meaning to reach the conclusion they did:

Indeed, as senior advisor to the nonprofit organization Court Accountability and self-described “lapsed lawyer” Mike Sacks noted, in her dissent, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor joined by liberal Justices Elena Kagan and Ketanji Brown Jackson, wrote: “When I see a bird that walks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck.”

Sacks adds, “Sotomayor calls out *every* *single* *one* *of* *her* *Republican* *colleagues* for abandoning their textualist ‘principle,’ in a paragraph that concludes, “Today, the majority forgets that principle and substitutes its own view of what constitutes a “machinegun” for Congress’s.”

Berkeley professor of public policy and former Cabinet Secretary Robert Reich wrote, “Koch-backed groups called on SCOTUS to overturn the federal bump stock ban. Clarence Thomas secretly attended Koch fundraising events, but of course didn’t recuse from this case — he wrote the majority opinion. Our nation’s highest court is beyond compromised.”

NBC News reported in December of 2018 that Donald Trump “had urged the federal government to ban bump stocks this past spring following a deadly Valentine’s Day shooting at a high school in Parkland, Florida, that left 17 dead. However, the device gained notoriety when a lone gunman killed 59 people and injured at least 527 others attending a country music festival in Las Vegas in October 2017. The shooter, Stephen Paddock, had 22 semi-automatic rifles and 14 of them were equipped with bump stocks. They allowed him to fire the rifles continuously with a single pull of the trigger, resulting in the deadliest mass shooting in modern U.S. history.”

That shooting to this day remains the deadliest mass shooting in modern day history.

See the social media posts above or at this link.

READ MORE: ‘Don’t Breathe Easy Yet’: Abortion Pill Safe Only ‘For Now’ Experts Say After SCOTUS Ruling




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‘Pyongyang in the Rotunda’: GOP Red Carpet Rollout for Trump’s DC Trip Likened to North Korea



Donald Trump’s first return to Capitol Hill since the violent and deadly January 6, 2021 insurrection he fomented elicited responses of celebratory embrace, near-coronation, and a whitewashing of history from House and Senate Republicans and some of the mainstream media. That has critics sounding the alarm, likening their remarks to those of the subjects of authoritarian dictators like North Korea’s Kim Jong Un.

Trump is the Republican Party’s presumptive 2024 presidential nominee, a convicted felon awaiting sentencing who remains criminally indicted and out on bail in three other jurisdictions, an adjudicated rapist and fraudster who has been credibly accused by at least 18 to 23 or more women of varying degrees of sexual misconduct including harassment, assault, and rape, who allegedly had sex with a Playboy Bunny, and a porn star, the latter just four months after his third and current wife had given birth to their four-month old son.

He is a one-term, twice impeached ex-president who made over 30,000 “false or misleading claims” during his four years in the Oval Office, whose “inept and insufficient” response was in part responsible for about 40% of the COVID-19 pandemic deaths in the U.S., according to a February 2021 study that deemed them preventable.

And as of today, Donald Trump is 78 years old, and the subject of a New Yorker column published Friday alleging “age-related diminishment of a candidate.”

READ MORE: ‘Don’t Breathe Easy Yet’: Abortion Pill Safe Only ‘For Now’ Experts Say After SCOTUS Ruling

The ex-president met with House Republicans Thursday morning at the same restaurant where a pipe bomb was found outside on January 6, 2021. It’s just a seven-minute walk from the halls of Congress, where many of those same lawmakers who were jovially dining with and cheering on Trump, had huddled, hunkered-down, and fled through that centuries-old symbol of American democracy, afraid for their lives as supporters of the then-Commander-in-Chief – some of whom have said in court documents they believed were acting under his instructions – attacked the U.S. Capitol building and police, used the American flag as a spear, defecated on the walls, broke windows, damaged, destroyed, and stole U.S. Government property, hunted for the Democratic Speaker of the House, calling her by name, and hunted for the Republican Vice President, chanting their threats to “hang Mike Pence,” in a coordinated effort to help Trump overturn the results of the 2020 election he had lost by over seven million votes, and 74 Electoral College votes.

None of that matters now to the people’s elected representatives of the Republican Party in the House and Senate.

U.S. Senator, venture capitalist, and former “Never Trumper,” J.D. Vance (R-OH) on Thursday, walking in Washington, D.C. after he and nearly all of the Republican Senators met with Donald Trump and gave him a 30-second standing ovation, told reporters the GOP has absolved Trump of guilt and responsibility for the deadly insurrection three years ago.

“Well look, I think no real Republican with any credibility in the party is still blaming him for January the 6th. Frankly, some of his critics were in the room (Thursday) and were supportive and are supportive. So I think it’s a good thing and the Republican Party’s in a good place.”

After House Republicans had breakfast with Trump, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, criticized for apparently not remembering Congress is a co-equal brach of the U.S. government and Donald Trump is no longer a leader of any branch of government, glowingly bragged the ex-president “said I’m doing a very good job.”

Aaron Fritschner, deputy chief of staff for a Democratic U.S. Congressman, blasted Senate Republicans after they met with Trump, saying they “just rolled the red carpet out and welcomed him back with smiles and handshakes.”

READ MORE: GOP Will Ban IVF if Trump Wins After Southern Baptists Condemnation: Expert

He posted a photo of Trump warmly shaking hands with Senate Republican Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who reportedly had not spoken to Trump since before the January 6, 2021 attack on the U.S Capitol, and on that day declared him “practically and morally responsible” for the insurrection.

Journalist and Public Notice founder Aaron Rupar posted a “supercut” of Republicans responding to Trump’s visit, also likening their embrace to how subjects speak of dictators.

Award-winning Talking Points Memo publisher Josh Marshall praised Rupar and blasted Republicans: “For all the ‘triumphant returns’ and ‘Trumps flexes’ and all the rest I don’t think anyone beside @atrupar really captured it. This was Pyongyang in the Rotunda. The maniacal clapping in unison, MTG almost breaking down in tears cuz Trump smiled at her. Total North Korea vibe.”

Critics are slamming not only House and Senate Republicans, but the mainstream media’s coverage, especially a social media post by the Associated Press, which declared Trump’s return to D.C. “triumphant,” a term often reserved for a conquering or undefeated hero.

Veteran journalist and D.C. Bureau Chief of Mother Jones, David Corn, co-author of the 2018 book, “Russian Roulette: The Inside Story of Putin’s War on America and the Election of Donald Trump,” criticized the AP’s post, saying: “Sounds like a North Korean report.”

Award-winning journalist Steve Silberman called the AP’s post, “an instant candidate for the Museum of American Fascism.”

Watch the videos above or at this link.

READ MORE: Buttigieg on Martha-Ann Alito: Flags Symbolizing Love vs. Insurrection Are Different

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