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Spilled Milk: I’m A Terrible, Awful Parent

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This post is the sixteenth in a series of Spilled Milk columns by Emmy Award-winning writer and producer William Lucas Walker that chronicle his journey through parenthood. Spilled Milk, which originates in The Huffington Post, appears on these pages on Saturdays.

Serendipity is defined as the unexpected phenomenon of finding something delightful or valuable when you least expect it.

I love serendipity, especially when the something delightful or valuable is a someone. I met my husband 14 years ago in this magically haphazard way. And shortly after that, another key player in my life.

Years ago Greg, my TV agent, began telling me about Matthew, an old college friend of his from New York. When Matthew came to Los Angeles on business Greg insisted we meet. He thought we’d make a great homo couple. I’m quoting verbatim.

Matthew and I hit it off, but the big homo romance never happened due to coastal issues; I lived in L.A. and Matthew lived in New York. We became great friends instead. Back in New York, Matthew met Byron, who had the good manners to live within walking distance. Byron became Matthew’s boyfriend. About a year after they met Matthew happened to be in L.A. again on business, and my agent-slash-Matthew’s best friend from college Greg threw him party. At that party Matthew introduced me to his new boyfriend’s sister, who lived in Los Angeles but almost didn’t make it to the party that night because she had a cold.

Only she did make it. And that’s how my TV agent Greg’s college friend Matthew’s new boyfriend Byron’s older sister Lily became one of my best friends.

Ever since, Lily and I have met for lunch every Thursday at the 101 Coffee Shop in Hollywood. Thursdays because that’s the only day they offer their spectacular fried chicken special. (Lily and I are both Southern.) We’ve been fried chickening for years now. We don’t see each other anywhere else or on any other day. We only call to cancel, never to confirm.

But if it’s one o’clock on Thursday, I show up at the 101 and there she is.

skitched-20130510-191234

Lily and I have had an easy rapport from the beginning. We can talk about anything and over the years our conversations have run the gamut. How to make a bourbon old-fashioned, choose a cell phone, re-grout tile, find a mechanic. We’ve covered weight loss (mine), crazy neighbors (hers), politics and weight gain (mine). Other topics of discussion have included Lily’s engagement, our parents’ health, and how to plan both cat funerals (mine) and human weddings (first mine, then hers).

But most frequently we discuss my parenting fiascos.

Over the years, with no children of her own to wreck, Lily has become a sounding board for my tales of parental failure, which have become a regular feature of fried chicken Thursdays.

They usually go something like this.

skitched-20130510-191334THE 101 COFFEE SHOP

BILL is sitting in a window booth. A waitress brings his iced tea, just as he ordered it, with four lemons around the rim. He pours six Splendas into the tea and stirs as he flips through the L.A. Weekly. Checks his watch.

A short while later, LILY approaches, wearing pearls as always.

LILY: Hey sweetie! Sorry I’m late.

She leans down, kisses Bill on the cheek.

BILL: You’re always late.

LILY: You’re late sometimes.

BILL: If I’m late it’s because I know you’ll be later.

LILY: (settling into booth) Well, I’m a late person. I just am. How’ve you been?

BILL: (long pause) …I’m such an awful parent.

LILY: (brightening like it’s Christmas) What happened?

BILL: I can’t even say it. It’s too embarrassing.

LILY: Come on, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.

BILL: It was worse than bad.

LILY: (locking him in a fake-sympathetic gaze as she fingers her pearls) Tell me.

BILL: Okay. Kelly’s been traveling on business for a week.

LILY: That’s stressful. Single parenthood. Go on.

BILL: It’s bath time. The tub is running.

LILY: Oooo, I remember from babysitting. Kids are a nightmare at bath time.

BILL: I had to pee.

LILY: Of course you did. The tub was running.

BILL: So James runs in and starts yanking on my shirt – as I’m peeing — and sobbing that his sister told him The Velveteen Rabbit was stupid.

LILY: What?! The Velveteen Rabbit is not stupid!

BILL: That’s what I told him. Then Elizabeth barrels into the bathroom and tattles that James found the leftover Halloween candy I hid in the garage and ate twelve Milky Way Minis after supper.

LILY: Shifting the onus.

BILL: Which he denies even though there are globs of caramel stuck to his teeth.

LILY: Lying.

BILL: Then Elizabeth says he tried to buy her silence by bribing her with five Milky Way Minis.

LILY: Blackmail. Are you still peeing?

BILL: Can you believe it? Yes, I’m peeing through all of this. So over my shoulder I tell Elizabeth to please give me some privacy, but not before asking if she ate the Milky Way Minis…

LILY: …and she says no.

BILL: Then James starts to scream “Yes you did! Yes you did!” And she shoots back, “No I didn’t! I didnot, Daddy!” Which makes him scream louder. “Yes you DID! She’s LYING, Daddy! And she made me give her all my candy-corn pumpkins! I want my candy corn pumpkins!” I finally can’t take it anymore and yell, “STOP IT!”

LILY: But they didn’t.

BILL: Of course they didn’t. Elizabeth kicked it up a notch. “You don’t even like candy-corn pumpkins!” Then James, who’s totally hopped up on sugar, bursts into tears, “Yes I do! And The Velveteen Rabbit is not stupid! Tell her, Daddy, it’s not stupid!!”

LILY: Well, he’s right.

BILL: And that’s when I just… (hanging his head) lost it.

LILY: (leaning in, eyes widening, hungry for it) How? How did you lose it?

BILL: I started jumping up and down. On the bathroom floor. Like I’m on a pogo stick. Screaming “STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!” At the top of my lungs. Up and down, beating my fists against my sides. All of a sudden I’m the youngest child in the room. I’m a toddler. 200 pounds of toddler id, out of control, screaming, “JUST STOP IT!… STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!”

LILY: Tell me you’re not still peeing.

BILL: No, that’s done. I don’t think you can pee and jump. It’s a biological failsafe. I’m just yelling now. Jumping and yelling, “STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!”

LILY: What did they do?

BILL: They stopped it.

LILY: So it worked.

BILL: That’s not the point. I mean, yeah, it worked. Because they were traumatized. They just kind of stood there staring up at me, like anybody would who’s just seen a yelling insane person who thinks he’s a pogo stick. I’m such an awful parent.

LILY: You’re not an awful parent. Kelly wasn’t there to help, it was the end of the day, your kids were jacked up on sugar, you were peeing and you got overwhelmed. It’s completely understandable. They’ll get over it.

BILL: Don’t try to make excuses for me. I lost control as a parent. At bath time.

LILY: Did they drown?

BILL: No.

LILY: See? It could have been a lot worse. If you truly were an awful parent they’d have drowned. Didn’t your parents ever lose it at bath time?

BILL: They never did the pogo stick.

LILY: Okay, fine… After the bath time incident, when James and Elizabeth were ready for bed did they still want you to tuck them in?

BILL: Yes.

LILY: Did you cuddle with them?

BILL: We always cuddle.

LILY: Did you read to them?

BILL: Not The Velveteen Rabbit.

LILY: Did they tell you they hate you?

BILL: No.

LILY: Have they ever told you they hate you?

BILL: Yes.

LILY: Then they’re normal. Did you feed them this morning?

BILL: Of course I fed them.

LILY: Did you get them dressed and pack their lunches and drive them to school?

BILL: Yes.

LILY: Did they mention what happened?

BILL: You can’t mention a memory you’ve already repressed. Stop trying to make me feel better. I was a pogo stick, Lily. I’m not kidding. It’s like I was spring-loaded. Picture Tigger from Winnie-the-Pooh. With rage issues. I almost smashed my head against the ceiling. And it’s a really high ceiling.

And then it starts. Lily begins to dissolve into giggles. Soon she can’t breathe. She’s clutching herself and falling against the edge of the booth.

I just stare at her. “Why is that funny? I couldn’t hold it together with my children. I’m a horrible, awful parent.”

This makes her spew her lemonade across the table.

LILY: (now laughing so hard she’s gasping for air) Show me! Show me how you were jumping up and down. Do the pogo stick. Get out of the booth and do it!
BILL: Why is this so funny to you???

There are many reasons I love Lily, but this odd gift she has for being able to diffuse my rants and make my flaws seem life-sized ranks near the top. She listens as I confess mistakes I’m certain will scar my children and instead of being mortified, giggles.

Then spews lemonade. Making me feel less awful. Every Thursday.

What better definition of friendship can there be? In those few minutes each week Lily lets me see my goofs through her eyes as the flawed little human comedies they are. She assures me I’m not an awful parent. Just a normal one, an imperfect fool like all the rest, doing his best with two little pistols who call him Dad.

But I have a feeling Lily’s perspective may be shifting soon. Serendipity recently dropped someone new into her life.

A baby.

skitched-20130510-191450
 

* * * * *

 

* * * * *
William Lucas Walker is an Emmy Award-winning writer and producer whose television credits include Frasier, Will & Grace and Roseanne. He co-created the critically-acclaimed Showtime comedy The Chris Isaak Show. Bill and his husband Kelly are the parents of Elizabeth and James, born in 2001 and 2005. The children were gratified by the legal marriage of their parents in 2008, an event that rescued them from a life of ruinous bastardry.

Spilled Milk chronicles Bill’s misadventures in Daddyland. The first recurring humor column by a gay parent to appear in a mainstream American publication, Spilled Milk has regularly landed on the front page of The Huffington Post.

Follow William Lucas Walker on Twitter: @WmLucasWalker, @SpilledMilkWLW or Facebook: “Spilled Milk” by William Lucas Walker.       

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News

Greene Mocked for Weather Control Claim as NC Lawmaker Pleads for Conspiracy ‘Junk’ to End

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“Friends can I ask a small favor?” North Carolina Republican state Senator Kevin Corbin’s Facebook post began Thursday afternoon. “Will you all help STOP this conspiracy theory junk that is floating all over Facebook and the internet about the floods in WNC,” he wrote, referring to Hurricane Helene-hit western North Carolina.

Senator Corbin listed some examples of the conspiracy theories he and his fellow lawmakers are battling as they try to bring help to the people they represent: “FEMA is stealing money from donations, body bags ordered but government has denied, bodies not being buried, government is controlling the weather from Antarctica, government is trying to get lithium from WNC, stacks of bodies left at hospitals, and on and on and on.”

“PLEASE help stop this junk. It is just a distraction to people trying to do their job.”

In the middle of Corbin’s post, one conspiracy theory stood out: “government is controlling the weather.”

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That echoes a claim U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) made just hours later, Thursday night on social media:

“Yes they can control the weather. It’s ridiculous for anyone to lie and say it can’t be done.”

Exactly 12 hours after she posted that falsehood, it’s been been viewed 4.6 million times—not including all the screenshots that are flying around social media.

Congresswoman Greene is being widely derided and mocked.

National security expert, NSA contractor, and former Republican U.S. Rep. Denver Riggleman of Virginia blasted Greene.

“This person is in Congress,” he wrote on social media. “This ignorance, this lunacy, is why we have a government teetering and lurching. Her stupidity is a disease. She’s not alone either. Who do we blame? Well, folks.. we blame disinfo ecosystems— like here on X and we blame… voters. Mass idiocy. Stupid votes count.”

He added: “It’s dangerous how dumb she is.”

Some suggested Greene was merely referring to cloud seeding, attempts to increase rainfall, which date back to the 1940’s.

Riggleman disputed those suggestions: “She’s not thinking of cloud seeding— she is a QAnon adherent who also believes in direct prophecy and 9/11 conspiracies.”

Indeed, in 2021, just weeks after she was sworn in, Media Matters reported on Greene’s conspiracy theory-fueled history: “Marjorie Taylor Greene penned conspiracy theory that a laser beam from space started deadly 2018 California wildfire.”

“In November 2018, California was hit with the worst wildfire in the state’s history. At the time, future Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) wrote a bizarre Facebook post that echoed QAnon conspiracy theorists and falsely claimed that the real and hidden culprit behind the disaster was a laser from space triggered by some nefarious group of people,” the report reads.

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“Greene’s post, which hasn’t previously been reported, is just the latest example to be unearthed of her embracing conspiracy theories about tragedies during her time as a right-wing commentator. In addition to being a QAnon supporter, Greene has pushed conspiracy theories about 9/11, the Parkland and Sandy Hook school shootings, the Las Vegas shooting, and the murder of Democratic staffer Seth Richamong others.”

“Greene also has a history of pushing anti-Muslim and anti-Semitic remarks,” Media Matters wrote before noting, “CNN’s Em Steck and Andrew Kaczynski recently reported that on her Facebook page, ‘Greene repeatedly indicated support for executing prominent Democratic politicians in 2018 and 2019 before being elected to Congress.'”

Some, including Newsweek on Friday, suggested Greene was referring to Democrats when she ambiguously wrote, “they can control the weather,” but others insisted she was referring to Jews.

U.S. Rep. Jared Moskowitz (D-FL) served up this response:

Gun violence prevention activist Shannon Watts added, “Reminder: This is a conspiracy theory based in anti-Semitism alleging that Jewish people have the technology to manipulate the weather and cause freak storms that wreak havoc on the world.”

Regardless of who Congresswoman Greene was referring to, her promotion of yet another dangerous conspiracy theory at a time when people in the area of the country she claims to be fighting for are calling for level heads stands out.

U.S. Senator Brian Schatz (D-HI), appearing to respond to Greene’s tweet (which he had just retweeted) wrote: “Spreading lies during natural disasters is a special kind of evil. Don’t do it, don’t indulge it, don’t excuse it.”

Overnight, NBC News reported: “At least 215 people are known to have died as a result of the destruction wrought by Hurricane Helene since it made landfall in Florida a week ago.”

“More than half of the deaths were in North Carolina, where several feet of fast-moving water destroyed entire communities,” the report adds. “Hundreds are still missing, and officials have reported difficulties in identifying some of the dead.”

Senator Corbin, in his Facebook post, also stressed the need for an end to what he described as “intentional distractions.”

“Folks, this is a catastrophic event of which this country has never known. It is the largest crisis event in the history of N.C. The state is working non-stop,” he wrote. “DOT has deployed workers from all over the state. Duke power has 10,000 workers on this. FEMA is here. The National Guard is here in large numbers.”

“Government will play a role in this cleanup,” he promised. “We are going to make sure the state chips in some massive money. But Government is not the total solution. YES, there are a lot of neighbors helping neighbors and that’s good and the way it should be. Please don’t let these crazy stories consume you or have you continually contact your elected officials to see if they are true. I just talked to one Senator that has had 15 calls TODAY about why we don’t stop …….. ‘fill in the blank.’ 98% chance it’s not true and if it is a problem, somebody is aware and on it and not waiting for a post to go thru 10,000 people to be addressed. Thanks for listening but I’ve been working on this 12 hours a day since it started and I’m growing a bit weary of intentional distractions from the main job …. which is to help our citizens in need.”

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‘Wowza’: Economists Thrilled With ‘Huge’ Jobs Report and Wages Outpacing Prices

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The September jobs report is a stunning confirmation of just how “strong” and “resilient” the U.S economy is, according to economic experts who are celebrating Friday morning.

“US economy smashes expectations with 254,000 jobs added in September,” The Financial Times reports, “far outstripping expectations.”

“Wowza: HUGE jobs report,” exclaimed Professor of economics Justin Wolfers, a senior fellow at Brookings and a frequent guest on cable news. “This economic expansion that is motoring along.”

“This is a great September jobs report,” declared The Washington Post’s Heather Long. “The ‘soft landing’ is still on track.”

The New York Times’ economic reporter, Talmon Joseph Smith, summed up the news:

Economists had expected 140,000 to 159,000 new jobs. The unemployment rate fell to 4.1%, continuing the Biden administration’s historic record of producing and maintaining unemployment at five-decade lows.

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“Average hourly earnings grew 0.4% last month, and are now up 4.0% over the year. There’s no question that wages are running ahead of prices, and people are seeing meaningful real wage gains,” he added. Wolfers says he’s “been relentlessly optimistic about the economy for the past couple of years, and it’s felt lonely at times during the drumbeat of ‘recession’ talk, but it’s also been a pretty great place to be. If you were looking for what a soft landing looks like, this is it.”

Bloomberg News adds, “Unemployment for major ethnic groups — Black, White, Hispanic — fell, while the Asian unemployment rate held steady.”

President Biden, who worked with the dockworkers union to bring an extraordinarily fast end to their strike that ended after just three days this week, took a victory lap.

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“Today, we received good news for American workers and families with more than 250,000 new jobs in September and unemployment back down at 4.1%,” President Biden said in a statement. “With today’s report, we’ve created 16 million jobs, unemployment remains low, and wages are growing faster than prices. Under my Administration, unemployment has been the lowest in 50 years, a record 19 million new businesses have been created, and inflation and interest rates are falling. And we’re seeing the power of collective bargaining to lift up workers’ wages—including the progress made by dockworkers on record wages with carriers, and port operators and the reopening of East Coast and Gulf ports.”

Biden also took a swipe at Republicans.

“Congress should pass our plan to build millions of new homes, expand prescription drug price caps, empower workers and protect the right to organize, and cut taxes for hardworking families. Congressional Republicans have a different plan—more giant tax cuts for billionaires and big corporations, ending the Affordable Care Act, undermining workers by cutting overtime and making it harder to organize, and imposing a national sales tax that would raise costs by nearly $4,000 per year. While they put billionaires first, we’ll keep fighting to grow the middle class.”

See the social media posts above or at this link.

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Democrats Call for Trump-Appointed Scandal-Ridden Inspector General to Be Ousted

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Two House Democratic Ranking Members are calling for the removal of the Dept. of Homeland Security Inspector General Joseph Cuffari, appointed by Donald Trump in 2019, accusing him of lying to Congress, misleading Congress, blatantly abusing his powers, and wasting millions in taxpayer dollars.

Rep. Jamie Raskin, Ranking Member of the Committee on Oversight and Accountability, and Ranking Member Bennie G. Thompson, Ranking Member of the House Committee on Homeland Security, in a statement following the release of a damning independent report say “Inspector General Cuffari’s extensive and shocking record of misconduct and obstruction is evidence that he has seriously compromised the public’s trust and is plainly not fit to serve in a position that requires him to guard the public interest and act beyond reproach.”

“Cuffari’s unprecedented misconduct in office has been underscored and exacerbated by his persistent and repeated obstruction of oversight efforts. Not only did he fail to fully and meaningfully comply with our investigation—he actively worked to undermine and thwart it.” They call his actions “an outrageous affront and embarrassment to the inspector general community and have undermined the reputation of the entire DHS Office of Inspector General.”

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The Project On Government Oversight (POGO), a nonpartisan independent watchdog, on Wednesday released a report alleging Cuffari “waged a years-long campaign to derail and discredit investigations into allegations of his misconduct, which include claims he retaliated against whistleblowers.”

The independent report from the Council of the Inspectors General on Integrity and Efficiency (CIGIE) did not cite Cuffari’s actions in deleted texts scandal, but as NCRM reported in 2022, Cuffari appeared to have waited seven months to notify Congress of the missing text messages from the day before and day of the January 6, 2021 insurrection.

That means that four months after the January 6 insurrection the Dept. of Homeland Security knew Secret Service agents’ text messages, from the day before and day of the attack on the U.S. Capitol, were missing and did not inform Congress or the National Archives, which is required by law to retain those records.

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The deleted Secret Service texts were not the only missing data at DHS.

“Text messages for President Donald Trump’s acting homeland security secretary Chad Wolf and acting deputy secretary Ken Cuccinelli are missing for a key period leading up to the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the U.S. Capitol,” The Washington Post reported in July 2022.

Cuffari also reportedly “declined to pursue investigations into Secret Service during Trump administration,” The Washington Post reported in 2021, and “blocked investigations proposed by career staff … to scrutinize the agency’s handling of the George Floyd protests in Lafayette Square and the spread of the coronavirus in its ranks.”

“Hundreds of Secret Service officers were either infected with the coronavirus or had to quarantine after potential exposure … as Trump continued to travel and hold campaign events during the pandemic.”

The White House says the report is “concerning, but Politico reports Republicans are circling the wagons around Cuffari.

“Firing Cuffari could spark outrage from Capitol Hill Republicans, who have praised him for investigating DHS’s trouble vetting people evacuated from Afghanistan and its inability to monitor all unaccompanied migrant children released from federal custody after traveling to the United States,” Politico reports. “As CIGIE’s investigation into Cuffari has unfolded, congressional Republicans have rallied around him, suggesting he is being targeted as punishment for criticizing the administration. In an occasionally contentious July hearing, House Oversight Republicans pressed the head of CIGIE on how his office handles investigations into inspectors general and raised concerns about the Cuffari probe.”

In 2023 Cuffari testified before Congress he had deleted text messages from his government-issued cell phone which he also stated he did not use for personal reasons. He alleged the texts he deleted were not considered government records.

Watch the video below or at this link.

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