Editor’s Note:
Our fourth story in the Out October series, comes to us from a woman who knows what it is like to have her family hate her for who she is. Thankfully, she also knew that there were people out there who loved her not in spite of who she was but because of who she was.
I think realized I was “different” around the age of 13. The title “lesbian” I had never heard. All I knew was that I really loved girls and did whatever I could do to get close to the pretty girl in school.
One of the memories I have at that age was with my parents. I can remember wanting to talk to my mom about this girl in school. How pretty and smart this girl was. That night I was sitting in the back seat of the car with my younger brother. We were going to the movies or something. While at a red light, this gay man was crossing the street. The way this man walked across the street, it just seemed to me he was absolutely fabulous and he knew it. You know the walk, head held high, hips swaying left to right and little skip in his step. I just smiled until I heard my mom say, “He’s so nasty! They all just should disappear.” Needless to say, I didn’t expect that comment. I was crushed. For many years I listened to my mom and dad say things like that. Would listen to gay jokes and it broke my heart every time. I didn’t know where to turn or what to do. I didn’t want to hide but I didn’t want to lose them either. Soooo, like many others I got involved in some “not so healthy” things.
At age . . .  maybe 17? I found myself on the streets. With one phone call, my uncle who lived in another state took me in. I remember being heartbroken over a girl and just wanted advice. So, I came out to my uncle and was fully prepared for him to walk away from me. After I talked with him, he confessed to being gay as well. What a sense of confusion and relief. It’s hard to explain.
Many years passed and I still tried pleasing my family. I got married and had a child. By the time I was 30, I finally came out to my mom and dad. (Yes, it took me that long.) Words I will never forget? My mother telling me I would be better off as a prostitute and my father telling me I’m trash.
Eight years later, they still don’t speak with me. As heart breaking as this was, I’m stronger for it. I appreciate the friends I call my family today. I appreciate my life more and more. Yes, I considered suicide at a very young age. Just out of loneliness and fear. I’m thankful I didn’t go through with it. My doors have been open for those who need refuge. For those who need a family. I’m proud of that.  Today, I stand strong for/with my community. My son and I both stand strong.
We’re not alone! You’re not alone.
Melissa
Remember, there are always options.
The Trevor Project: a 24-hour hotline for gay and questioning youth: 866-4-U-TREVOR (488-7386)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-TALK (8255)