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Out October: “At 50 miles-per-hour I took my seat belt off and veered into a telephone pole.”

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Today’s Out October Project story comes from a man who fought so hard to be someone he wasn’t, he denied himself the right to believe the truth about himself. In the end, it almost cost him his life. Here’s a great story of courage and hope, that teaches us that it does, indeed, get better, when you believe in and become yourself.

Catch up on all the other stories of hope, truth, and courage here.

I guess these stories all start out the same, I always knew something was different. Somewhere in my early teens was where I became more in tune with what was going on, but I was absolutely convinced that possibly being gay was something I could control and if I was going to admit anything to myself, it was that I was maybe bisexual.

During high school I had a steady girlfriend, we had a lot of friends and times were good. My high school girlfriend and I broke up the summer after graduation. I went to a community college for the first two years and became best friends with a girl. We eventually started dating. I then transferred to a university. The long distance relationship was easy for a reason. Eventually we both finished school, and after five years of being together I asked her to marry me. We had been living together for two years at this point and it seemed like the next logical step. Around this time I became very anxious, and I wasn’t sleeping well at all. I went to the doctor and he prescribed me some anti-anxiety medication.

Looking back at this exact moment in my life has always been tough for me. I was in such denial, I didn’t want to be gay, I didn’t want to be bisexual, but allowing myself to think that being bisexual meant that I could choose, and since I didn’t want to be gay, that must mean that I’m straight. So life went on, and so did the medication. My doctor, without really asking any questions continued to prescribe a cocktail of medications to conquer my anxiety and to help me sleep. I continued to get through each day, with my best friend, my fiancé. We were engaged for three years before we finally married, and yes I was still medicated, to control my anxiety. We both had great jobs and we got along just fine as any two best friends would. Then she became pregnant. I was twenty-seven years old.

Five months into the pregnancy my anxiety became increasingly worse, panic attacks were more frequent. I really started to emotionally unravel. I was by this time getting through each day, but medicated, I could still not feel anything, I had no emotions, it had been years since I truly felt anything. I became depressed. My head was so clouded with guilt, I was finally allowing myself to admit that yes, maybe I was gay. My thoughts were repetitious, “God what have I done?”

The guilt was so intense, words cannot truly express to power of the guilt. I was driving to work one day, and I made the worst decision of my life, I took my seat belt off, and veered off the road into a telephone pole at fifty miles-per-hour. The rationalization seemed perfect. I can check out without embarrassing my wife, my daughter, my friends, and my family. The life insurance would take care of them. The pain of losing me would certainly be less to them than me coming out.

Somehow I survived the accident. I kept my secret. I was more scared than ever.

We had a healthy baby girl the following spring. Life went along, my medication continued. I went through each day never really feeling anything; the medication took care of any and all feelings.

Then later that summer the governor of New Jersey came out as a gay American. He was married had kids, and was talking publicly about this. I really started to emotionally unravel. I was by this time barely emotionally getting through each day; I became depressed.

Here I was with a house, two cars, a little girl, and I was married to my best friend. One morning I woke up and had one of the worst panic attacks. I wouldn’t have wished it on anyone, and I thought I was going to die. I slowly realized that I couldn’t handle, what I thought I could control, my sexuality, I wasn’t bisexual, I was gay. I didn’t want to be gay.

Then one night in the spring I sat my best friend, my wife, down and told her. It wasn’t planned, it just happened. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. We cried together for hours, there was no yelling, no screaming, just sadness. I moved out a month later. It was surreal.

The next six months were the worst. I stopped all medication, I was feeling again, but all I was feeling was tremendous guilt and embarrassment and it was crushing. It was hard, but it slowly got better. For the most part, my entire family, my friends, and my estranged wife’s family — believe it or not — were supportive. Slowly things were easier, very slowly.

A little over a year after my wife and I split up I met a man who had just come out to his family. We were the same age, twenty-nine, and we instantly connected. The panic and stress about being gay subsided and I slowly began to feel again, to be happy, and to really be in love with someone.

True love is something I never had experienced. I never felt it was something I deserved. I guess on some level it’s something I still sometimes have a hard time accepting. We are still together almost five years later. He is my soul mate.

It has taken years for me to begin to forgive myself for what felt I should have worked out much sooner, it’s still something I struggle with.

My ex-wife was unbelievably supportive. Her family was there for me, my family rallied around me, my friends rallied around me, and things got better. I knew I had a little girl who was calling me daddy, which I needed to live for.

Lessons I’ve learned? Where to start… Be who you are always, don’t wait. Masking feelings is not healthy, it made things worse. Humans are meant to feel things, your body is talking to you, listen. Regrets? Yes I have many, many of which are obvious.

If you ever get to the point where things seem to be so dismal that you can’t imagine anything ever being right again, stop. Breath. Realize there are people in your life you love you, no matter what, it’s a hell of a leap of faith, I know, but things will get better. I promise that people you never thought would support you, will surprise you and possibly be your biggest support. The world deserves you, whoever you are.

Be happy, you owe it to yourself. I never thought I would be here, now, writing this, but with this anti-gay surge which is ever-more present, I needed to share my story.  I wish I had someone to tell me this story on that morning on my way to work, that things will get better, you can do this, and you will survive this.  I can’t change my past but hopefully my story can get through to one gay person who is struggling.

So listen up, you will be alright, you will be happy. Believe me. I’m living proof.

Remember, there are always options.
The Trevor Project: a 24-hour hotline for gay and questioning youth: 866-4-U-TREVOR (488-7386)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-TALK (8255)

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News

Fox News Host Suggests Trump ‘Force’ Court to Throw Him in Jail – by Quoting Him

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7 hours ago

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April 19, 2024

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The Fox News host who targeted a juror serving on Donald Trump’s criminal New York trial is now suggesting the ex-president should violate his gag order and “force” the court to throw him in jail, by quoting the Fox News host.

Jesse Watters came under fire earlier this week for profiling juror number two, sharing possibly identifying information published by a myriad of reporters but then using that information to pass judgment on her ability to serve.

“I’m not so sure about juror number two,” Watters concluded on Fox News.

Jurors, at the judge’s direction, were to remain anonymous, for their protection and the protection of the trial.

The judge excused her, after she said she felt she was not able to be impartial because friends and family were calling her asking if she had been chosen to serve on the Trump trial, after the media blitz.

New York Supreme Court Judge Juan Merchan admonished the press for reporting the information, but some news outlets appeared to ignore his warning.

Watters on Wednesday “did a segment with a jury consultant, revealing details about people who had been seated on the jury and questioning whether some were ‘stealth liberals’ who would be out to convict Trump,” the Associated Press reported.

READ MORE: Gaetz: ‘Corrupt’ Republicans Could ‘Take a Bribe’ and Throw House to Dems, Blocking Trump Run

Trump later posted Watters’ quote on his Truth Social platform, leading some, including New York prosecutors, to ask the judge to cite him for allegedly breaking his gag order.

Judge Merchan ordered Trump to not mention witnesses, jurors, prosecutors, court staff, or the family members of prosecutors and court staff, CNN has reported.

New York prosecutors told Juge Merchan Trump has violated the gag order at least ten times.

“Prosecutor Christopher Conroy described the ‘most disturbing’ example as a social media message Trump posted on Wednesday evening quoting a Fox News host as saying, ‘They are catching undercover Liberal Activists lying to the Judge in order to get on the Trump Jury,'” Politico reports.

That host was Jesse Watters.

RELATED: ‘Afraid and Intimidated’: Trump Trial Juror Targeted by Fox News Dismissed

Friday afternoon, Watters appeared to egg Trump on, urging the ex-president to violate the gag order.

“I would make them put me in jail,” Watters said on Fox News. “I would have a tweet about something perhaps I said on ‘The Five’ or ‘Jesse Watters Primetime,’ and I would force them to throw me in jail.”

Watch Watters’ remark below or at this link.

 

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Gaetz: ‘Corrupt’ Republicans Could ‘Take a Bribe’ and Throw House to Dems, Blocking Trump Run

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9 hours ago

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April 19, 2024

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U.S. Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) says some of his fellow House Republicans would “take a bribe” to throw the razor-thin GOP majority to the Democrats if a far-right faction calls up a motion to oust Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, allowing Democrats to hand the gavel to the Minority Leader, Hakeem Jeffries. he warned if that happens, Democrats would immediately declare Trump ineligible to be President, pack the U.S. Supreme Court, and pass numerous laws like the American Rescue Plan.

“I do believe in a one seat majority there could be one or two or three of my colleagues who would take a bribe in one form or another in order to deprive the Republicans of a majority at all,” Gaetz said Friday on his podcast (video below.)

He added, “the risk that one or two of my corrupt Republican colleagues might take a bribe, take a walk, feign an ailment and flip this thing to the Democrats is a risk that is too high for me at this time.”

Gaetz’s fellow far-right Florida Republican member of Congress, Anna Paulina Luna, told listeners, “I heard that when, if and when the motion vacate is introduced, that there will be immediate resignations of a couple of more moderate members of Congress. And in the event that that happens, that ultimately means it does go to a Democrat speaker.”

RELATED: Jeffries Vows Democrats Will Ensure Ukraine Aid Passes as Johnson Defectors Grow

U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) last month filed a “motion to vacate,” which she can use at any time to force a vote to oust the GOP Speaker, Mike Johnson. U.S. Rep. Tim Massie (R-KY) and just today, U.S. Rep. Paul Gosar (R-AZ) has signed on as co-sponsors.

Congressman Gaetz told listeners if Democrats do take the House through a force vote to remove Johnson, Democrats would “be declaring Donald Trump an insurrectionist and setting up a barrier to him being able to become the president United States.”

“That’ll be their leadoff hitter, and then the chaser to that shot will be a massive spending package that looks a lot more like the American Rescue Plan. They will blow past every concept of every cap ever imagined. You’ll be looking at Universal Basic Income, you could be looking at packing the Supreme Court.”

Watch a short clip of Gaetz’s remarks below or at this link.

READ MORE: ‘Stop Bringing Up Nazis and Hitler’: Marjorie Taylor Greene Smacked Down by Democrats

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Jeffries Vows Democrats Will Ensure Ukraine Aid Passes as Johnson Defectors Grow

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12 hours ago

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April 19, 2024

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Democratic House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries vowed Friday the majority of Democrats will support Republicans’ Ukraine, Israel, Taiwan, and Gaza foreign aid legislation as Republican Speaker Mike Johnson lost support of another member of his conference to a faction determined to oust him.

“Democrats will provide a majority of our majority as it relates to funding Israel, humanitarian assistance, Ukraine, and our allies in the Indo Pacific,” Minority Leader Jeffries said. “It remains to be seen what Republicans will do in terms of meeting the national security needs of the American people, but it was important for House Democrats to ensure that the national security bills are going to be considered.”

Despite Republicans having a one-vote majority, more Democrats on Friday voted to move the critical and long-awaited foreign aid bills forward than did Republicans.

READ MORE: ‘Stop Bringing Up Nazis and Hitler’: Marjorie Taylor Greene Smacked Down by Democrats

The 316-94 vote included 165 Democrats and 151 Republicans voting yes, and 55 Republicans and 39 Democrats voting no.

Axios’ Juliegrace Brufke posted the list of Republicans voting against their party’s legislation.

Calling it a “rare” moment in modern congressional history to have to rely on opposition party votes to pass legislation, BBC News reports Speaker Johnson’s “hold on power is tenuous, and the legislators who oppose him – and his bid to provide aid to Ukraine – occupy some key positions within the House’s power structure.”

Amid the procedural vote to move the foreign aid funding bills forward, U.S. Rep. Paul Gosar, a far-right Republican of Arizona, announced he is joining Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA), and Congressman Tim Massie (R-KY) in formally announcing their will vote to oust Speaker Johnson.

Gosar, like Greene, is reportedly a Christian nationalist. In 2022 CNN reported his “lengthy ties to White nationalists, [a] pro-Nazi blogger and far-right fringe received little pushback for years.”

RELATED: ‘Repercussions’: Democrats and Republicans Stand Against ‘Pro-Putin’ House GOP Faction

“We’ve been very honest in our assessment of the situation from the beginning,” Jeffries on Friday also declared. “At the appropriate time as House Democrats, we will have a conversation about how to deal with any hypothetical motion to vacate.”

“Moscow Marjorie Taylor Greene, Massie, and Gosar are quite a group. But central to our conversation is to make sure that the national security legislation in totality is passed by the House of Representatives.”

Watch the videos above or at this link.

 

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