Mark Morford, the award-winning writer whose syndicated column appears in the San Francisco Chronicle, today, in a column titled, “Real homophobes don’t Google,” “warns” Christians they can no longer patronize Google, Microsoft, Starbuck’s, Levi’s, Nike, or any one of the 70 companies (and cities, for that matter) that signed an amicus brief telling the federal government that DOMA, the federal Defense of Marriage Act already declared unconstitutional, hurts businesses.
“Behold, dear homophobe, the upwards of 70 major U.S. companies who have just signed an amicus brief — basically a formal f-you complaint to the federal government and its odious Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) — saying the damn thing is bad for business, forces discrimination and inequality in company practices, was written by/for angry encephalitic right-wing thugs who don’t know their God from a hole in the seminary wall. I might be making up that last part. But only barely,” Morford writes today.
“Are you not furious, righteous Republican homophobe? I bet you are. I bet you’re dialing your angriest, most confused buds right this moment to write letters, post barely punctuated rants to the hate forums on Free Republic, call in to Rush to demand a Tea Party-wide boycott of every single one of these sicko companies.
“I mean, you can’t really call yourself a true American, a real Christian and still openly wear Nikes or Levi’s, use Microsoft or Google, or watch Warner Brothers movies, can you?. If you really walk your anti-gay talk, well, every one of these companies should be banned from your life, right?”
Morford, whose latest book is titled, “The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism,” traces all the companies Christians would have to boycott in order to uphold their righteous indignation.
At least you have Fox News. And Exxon. And, um, Pilgrim’s Pride. They make deep-fried frozen chicken blobs. So you’re good for basic protein. Suck down a giant platter of breaded, hormone-injected patriotism while sipping a silver bullet and watching some NASCAR, and all is right with the world, am I right?
Oh dear. Bad news, lovebug. It seems Time Warner owns the broadcast rights to every single NASCAR race nationwide. Time Warner! Dude! They love gays! As if that weren’t bad enough, they also own NASCAR.com. WTF?
Would you like to read that again? A clearly pro-gay megacorp basically owns the straightest, manliest, most pseudo-macho sport in the entire known world next to beating things with clubs and skinning buffalo with your teeth. Whatever will you do with your boycott now?
Before you answer, might want to check out what else you’re going to do without. Time Warner, for one, is everywhere.
New Line Cinema movies, Loony Tunes cartoons, TT Games? Gone. Sports Illustrated, People magazine, Practical Parenting, Motorboat Monthly, Shooting Times? You know it, honeyball. What about DC Comics (Superman, Batman), CNN, Harry Potter? Sorry. Totally gay, each and every one. (Yes, I know. Harry Potter was a no-brainer. But still).
Did I forget to mention CBS? That’s right. No more “CSI.” No more “Survivor.” Damn homos are everywhere.
Aside from his ever spot-on anti-biotry commentary, the reason I especially like Morford’s column today? He quotes The New Civil Rights Movement. Thanks, Mark!