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Op-Ed: Me, God and Trump

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Essayist Max S. Gordon shares his thoughts on surviving Donald Trump in this satirical and humorous short story.

So last night, out of desperation and total despair, I went to God about the whole “Trump” thing. 

I called God, (I’ve got her cell number), and was shocked when it went straight to voicemail. 

“Hi, this is God. I’m not here right now, but if you’ll leave a message at the tone, I’ll be sure to get back with you.”

I thought, What the hell is God doing? God is always supposed to be available. Then a voice said, “If this is an emergency, press zero to speak to the operator.”

I pressed zero and waited. There was music while I was on hold. I thought it would have been some tabernacle choir singing “You’ll Never Walk Alone” or “Amazing Grace”, but it was Billy Joel’s “Moving Out (Anthony’s Song)” from the 1970s. I thought, God’s a Billy Joel fan? What does she mean by that song? I’ll admit, I felt a bit frightened.

Someone picked up. “God speaking.”

“God?”

“Yes, who’s calling?”

“Max. Do you have a minute?”

“Sure, sweetheart. Just one second while I take these rolls out of the oven and I’ll be right with you.” I heard an oven door slam. “Okay,” God said breathlessly, returning to the phone. “I’m here. What’s going on? Another question about writing and why you aren’t famous yet?”

“No. Not this time.”

“Good. I didn’t make you a writer to be famous, but to communicate with others. You know that.”

“God, this is about Donald Trump.”

“Oh yes,” she said, and sighed. “I’m afraid that’s why I put the phone on voicemail. You only got through because I was just about to make a call. 10,567 messages this morning alone, I’m having friends over for dinner, and my assistant is on vacation this week. I needed a break. I’ll answer them all, eventually, of course.”

I tried to keep the tears out of my voice. “God, the election. How could you do this to us?”

“Hmmm,” she said. It sounded like she was lighting a cigarette but I knew better than that. “That’s an interesting way of looking at it.”

“Well, don’t you control everything? Isn’t this your will?”

“Well yes and no. Just because it isn’t my will, doesn’t mean it isn’t my will.”

“What do you mean by that, that doesn’t even make sense.”

“What I’m saying is, on some level I empower every choice because you are my creations and you have the power to create, whether I agree with you or not. At the same time, I don’t support anything that leaves anyone outside the circle of life.”

“Exactly, which is what I’ve been telling all my friends. You’re against Donald Trump. I knew it!”

“No, you don’t know it. Because you’re leaving him outside the circle when you say that. I created him too, remember?”

I groaned. “So you are to blame.”

“I created him,” she clarified, “I didn’t create his choices. The mashed potatoes are going to stick if I don’t stir them.”

“I’m here.”

There was the sound of a metal spoon landing heavily against the side of a pot. “Okay, I’m back. Look, honey, I know you’re frightened because of the pain that you think is coming. But everything that is essential will remain essential. Because you are my child, you can always choose to be in a state of grace. If love isn’t the choice, you’ve forgotten who you are. Don’t give him that power. In the end, as they say, a rose is still a rose. What you’re really afraid of is not who Donald is, but who you will become as a result of him. Of what hate will distort within you.”

“I want to fight what he’s doing.”

“Then fight. But fight what he’s doing because you love him and he’s your brother and he’s in the circle. Nothing I create is outside the circle. Fight so that he remembers who he is, and awakens from the dream. Grace is how you will remind others who they are.” 

She sighed again. “I’ve been through this with you all so many times. The tears I’ve cried for my children. But I’ve talked to my therapist recently about learning to let go more, not to be so controlling. I have to let you all make your own choices.”

“Your therapist?”

“Oh, she’s good. We’ve been working on anger. I’ve gotten a lot better over the last thousands of years. Ever read the Old Testament? I’ve learned so much since then. Now when I’m pissed, I just count to ten, and ask myself, do you really want to send fire, plagues and pestilence, when a simple kindly reminder would do?”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”

She laughed. “My point is, I know you all will get through this. Or you won’t. Where I am, what is essential will remain. I’ve learned to let you all make your own decisions. It was so freeing when I finally got that. No more migraines. I picked up cigarettes again this week, but this is the last one and I’m not getting another pack. There have just been so many Trump calls, in so many languages. I’m doing my best, just as you are. But I’m not perfect, you know.”

“Of course you’re perfect,” I almost screamed. “That’s why you’re God!”

“I’m God because I love you unconditionally and I’m always here,” she reminded me. Her voice was gentle. “Otherwise, I’m doing the best I can, too. Would God be perfect and almost burn the dinner rolls before you called?”

“I’ve got more questions,” I told her, sensing she needed to leave.

“I know, hon, but I still need to change, and people will be here in less than fifteen minutes. Gabriel is always on time, bless his little heart. I guess he’s never heard the term ‘fashionably late.’ I hope Martin Luther brings his potato salad again. I’m still waiting to get that recipe. He says it’s his grandmother’s.”

“Protestant Reformation Martin Luther?”

“No, Martin Luther King, Jr. His phone’s been ringing off the hook too. I figured he could use a home-cooked meal.”

“Right.”

“But you know I’m always here when you need me. And you will get through this. Or you won’t. Either way, remember your grace. It’s all you are. If you see someone left outside the circle, any of my children, love them. All of them. And don’t be afraid to kick ass from time to time to wake people up, but remember to do it lovingly.”

“Thank you, God.”

“You’re welcome, sweetheart. I’ll speak with you soon.”

I heard a click, and a voice said, “Thank you for calling God. You’ve been invited to participate in a customer service survey. Were we able to answer all your questions to your satisfaction? Press 5 for excellent service and 1 for needs improvement.”

“O Lord,” I thought, “not another fucking survey” and pressed two. 

God’s voice was back on the line. “I knew you weren’t completely satisfied with what I said. You never are, but that’s okay. Remember: true satisfaction will never be found in any answer, but in the depth of your questions. Give up the illusion of answers, you’ll be a lot happier. This isn’t easy for you, but it will get better. Now, one last thing. Should I wear red or orange lipstick, the dress I’m wearing is sort-of peach colored.”

“True satisfaction will never be found in any answer,” I reminded her.

“Very funny. There’s the door bell. Hurry.”

“I’d go with something a little paler than red,” I told her. “Maybe pink, or if you have it, tangerine.”

“Got it,” said God. “Gotta dash. Kisses, sweetie. I’m so glad I created gay men.”

 

Image by Andres Rodriguez via Flickr and a CC license

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News

‘Blood on Your Hands’: Tennessee Republicans OK Arming Teachers After Deadly School Shooting

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8 hours ago

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April 23, 2024

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Republicans in the Tennessee House passed legislation Tuesday afternoon allowing teachers to carry concealed weapons in classrooms across the state, thirteen months after a 28-year old shooter slaughtered three children and three adults at a Christian elementary school in Nashville.

The measure is reportedly not popular statewide, with Democrats, teachers, and parents from the school, Covenant Elementary, largely opposed. The Republican Speaker of the House, Cameron Sexton, at one point literally shut down debate on the bill by shutting off a Democratic lawmaker’s microphone and then smiling.

Ultimately, Republican Rep. Ryan Williams’s legislation passed the GOP majority House as protestors in the gallery shouted their objections: “Blood on your hands.”

READ MORE: Trump Complains He’s ‘Not Allowed to Talk’ as He Gripes Live on Camera

The legislation bars parents from being informed if their child’s teacher has a gun in the classroom.

State Troopers were called to “prevent people from getting close to the House chambers,” WSMV’s Marissa Sulek reports.

“You’re going to kill kids,” one woman had yelled at Rep. Williams from the gallery on Monday, The Tennessean reports. “You’re going to be responsible for the death of children. Shame on you.”

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Democratic state Rep. Justin Jones said on social media, “This is what fascism looks like.”

“In recent weeks,” the paper also reports, “parents of school shooting survivors, students and gun-reform advocates have heavily lobbied against the bill, with one Covenant School mom delivering a letter to the House on Monday with more than 5,300 signatures asking lawmakers to kill the bill.”

The bill, which already passed the state Senate, now heads to Republican Governor Bill Lee’s desk. He is expected to sign it into law.

Watch the videos above or at this link.

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OPINION

Trump Complains He’s ‘Not Allowed to Talk’ as He Gripes Live on Camera

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10 hours ago

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April 23, 2024

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At the end of another short courtroom day that required barely three hours of Donald Trump’s time, the ex-president spoke to reporters inside Manhattan’s Criminal Courts Building to complain about a wide variety of perceived and alleged wrongs he is suffering, including, not being “allowed to talk.”

The ex-president’s presence was required only from 11 AM until just 2 PM. Judge Juan Merchan is overseeing Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg’s prosecution of the ex-president in a case that has already drawn a straight line through the “hush money” headlines to correct them to alleged criminal conspiracy and election interference.

Judge Merchan, for nearly two hours Tuesday morning, heard prosecutors’ allegations that Trump has violated his gag order ten times, and heard defense counsel’s claims that he had not.

It did not go well for the Trump legal team, with Judge Merchan toward the end of the hearing, during which no jurors were allowed, telling Trump lead attorney Todd Blanche, “You’re losing all credibility.”

READ MORE: Biden Campaign Hammers Trump Over Infamous COVID Comment

During the day’s hearing, jurors heard prosecutors’ lead witness, the former head of the company that publishes the National Enquirer tabloid, David Pecker, explain how he was working to help the Trump campaign.

“David Pecker testifies that, following his 2015 meeting with Trump and [Michael] Cohen, he met with former National Enquirer editor-in-chief Dylan Howard,” MSNBC’s Kyle Griffin reports. “Pecker outlined the arrangement and described it as ‘highly private and confidential.’ Pecker asked Howard to notify the tabloid’s West Coast and East Coast bureau chiefs that any stories that came in about Trump or the 2016 election must be vetted and brought straight to Pecker — and ‘they’ll have to be brought to Cohen.’ Pecker told Howard the arrangement needed to stay a secret because it was being carried out to help Trump’s campaign.”

Trump did not discuss any evidence against him with reporters, but he did complain about the gag order. And President Joe Biden. And the temperature in the courtroom. And his apparent attempt to stay awake, which has been a problem for him almost every day in court.

“We have a gag order, which to me is totally unconstitutional, I’m not allowed to talk but people are allowed to talk about me,” Trump told reporters, emphasizing the last word in that sentence.

“So they can talk about me, they can say whatever they want, they can lie. But I’m not allowed to say anything, I just have to sit back and look at why a conflicted judge has ordered me to have a gag order.”

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“I don’t think anybody’s ever seen anything like this,” Trump claimed, falsely implying no criminal defendant has ever had a gag order imposed on them previously. “I’d love to talk to you people, I’d love to say everything that’s on my mind, but I’m restricted because I have a gag order, and I’m not sure that anybody’s ever seen anything like this before.”

Trump then started to discuss the “articles” in his hand, what appeared to be dozens of articles he said had “all good headlines,” while implying they claimed “the case is a sham.”

Trump oversimplified the legal arguments attached to his gag order, as discussed with Judge Merchan Tuesday morning. The judge has yet to rule on prosecutors’ request to hold Trump in contempt.

“So I put an article in and then somebody’s name is mentioned somewhere deep in the article and I end up in violation of a gag order,” he told reporters, apparently referring to his posts on Truth Social with persecutes say violated his gag order. “I think it’s a disgrace. It’s totally unconstitutional. I don’t believe it’s ever – not to this extent – ever happened before. I’m not allowed to defend myself and yet other people are allowed to say whatever they want about me. Very, very unfair.”

“Having to do with the schools and the closings – that’s Biden’s fault,” Trump said, strangely, as if the COVID pandemic were still officially in process. “And by the way, this trial is all Biden, this is all Biden just in case anybody has any question. And they’re keeping me, in a courtroom that’s freezing by the way, all day long while he’s out campaigning, that’s probably an advantage because he can’t campaign.”

“Nobody knows what he’s doing. he can’t put two sentences together. But he’s out campaigning. He’s campaigning and I’m here and I’m sitting here sitting up as straight as I can all day long because you know, it’s a very unfair situation,” Trump lamented. “So we’re locked up in a courtroom and this guy’s out there campaigning, if you call it a campaign, every time he opens his mouth he gets himself into trouble.”

Watch below or at this link.

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News

Biden Campaign Hammers Trump Over Infamous COVID Comment

Published

13 hours ago

on

April 23, 2024

By

Four years ago today then-President Donald Trump, on live national television during what would be known as merely the early days and weeks of the COVID-19 pandemic, suggested an injection of a household “disinfectant” could cure the deadly coronavirus.

The Biden campaign on Tuesday has already posted five times on social media about Trump’s 2020 remarks, including by saying, “Four years ago today, Dr. Birx reacted in horror as Trump told Americans to inject bleach on national television.”

Less than 24 hours after Trump’s remarks calls to the New York City Poison Control Center more than doubled, including people complaining of Lysol and bleach exposure. Across the country, the CDC reported, calls to state and local poison control centers jumped 20 percent.

“It was a watershed moment, soon to become iconic in the annals of presidential briefings. It arguably changed the course of political history,” Politico reported on the one-year anniversary of Trump’s beach debacle. “It quickly came to symbolize the chaotic essence of his presidency and his handling of the pandemic.”

How did it happen?

“The Covid task force had met earlier that day — as usual, without Trump — to discuss the most recent findings, including the effects of light and humidity on how the virus spreads. Trump was briefed by a small group of aides. But it was clear to some aides that he hadn’t processed all the details before he left to speak to the press,” Politico added.

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“’A few of us actually tried to stop it in the West Wing hallway,’ said one former senior Trump White House official. ‘I actually argued that President Trump wouldn’t have the time to absorb it and understand it. But I lost, and it went how it did.'”

The manufacturer of Lysol issued a strong statement saying, “under no circumstance should our disinfectant products be administered into the human body (through injection, ingestion or any other route),” with “under no circumstance” in bold type.

Trump’s “disinfectant” remarks were part of a much larger crisis during the pandemic: misinformation and disinformation. In 2021, a Cornell University study found the President was the “single largest driver” of COVID misinformation.

What did Trump actually say?

“And then I see the disinfectant, where it knocks it out, in a minute,” Trump said from the podium at the White House press briefing room, as Coronavirus Task Force Coordinator Dr. Deborah Birx looked on without speaking up. “Is there a way we can do something like that? By injection, inside, or almost a cleaning, ’cause you see it gets in the lungs and it does a tremendous number on the lungs. So it would be interesting to check that. You’re going to have to use medical doctors, right? But it sounds interesting to me.”

READ MORE: ‘Rally Behind MAGA’: Trump Advocates Courthouse ‘Protests’ Nationwide

Within hours comedian Sarah Cooper, who had a good run mocking Donald Trump, released a video based on his remarks that went viral:

The Biden campaign at least 12 times on the social media platform X has mentioned Trump’s infamous and dangerous remarks about injecting “disinfectant,” although, like many, they have substituted the word “bleach” for “disinfectant.”

Hours after Trump’s remarks, from his personal account, Joe Biden posted this tweet:

Tuesday morning the Biden campaign released this video marking the four-year anniversary of Trump’s “disinfectant” remarks.

See the social media posts and videos above or at this link.

READ MORE: ‘Election Interference’ and ‘Corruption’: Experts Explain Trump Prosecution Opening Argument

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